The Chronicles of an Ebony Rose o01.

Preface

So i`m sitting here procrastinating pulling an 'all-nighter' with this homework assignment. I have my tumblr up, homework website, my blog site, and facebook up while listening to music. It`s kind of like I know I have to do it but my mind needs other types of stimulation right now. I don`t wanna be caught slipping so even though my mind is not on it, I know other people`s minds are and I wanna be better than that. Music keeps me remembering the Leah that is deep down inside that I miss so much. The Leah that has been pushed away because of the trauma I have endured that I have absolutely no control over. The Leah that knows love and has seen love and knows that in this day and age is gonna be so hard to find. The Leah that was strong and fought away bodily temptations and knows that one day she will be able to give her all to that one person that DESERVES HER and waited for her just like I waited for him. So sometimes I can`t just stop procrastinating, I need all these elements in my life...&& in the same respect...it puts me behind. Sometimes I wonder though is all this effort worth it, I have never seen someone put so much effort into everything she/he does and remain one hundred percent true to that. Sometimes I just think let it all go and just do simple things to make yourself happy Leah. You are so stressed out sometimes. Just stop and enjoy the breeze, and I do. But that would be discrediting my struggle and my struggle has made me who I am. So I would be discrediting myself. Can`t do that. So I keep grinding. I just keep grinding.

Absolutely everything.

I need a friend I can confide absolutely everything into no matter the time, hour, place. whatever. I dont feel like thats MUCH to ask for. I actually wanna have an absolute best friend. I know a best friend can be the one person to hurt u the most and when i feel like shit and they come at me with a im busy or im going thru shit too and go off on a rant about how they are feeling..... can u just take a step back and see I CAME TO YOU. YOU DIDNT COME TO ME. IM THE ONE NEEDING ADVICE. IM THE ONE NEEDING A LISTENING EAR. SHUT THE HEAVENLY FUCK UP AND LISTEN GOT MUTHERFUCKING DAMNNNN !!! ...kay im done. UUUUUUUUUGH.

wish i could be more positive...

but its hard to when ppl dont give two shits about u and ur supposed friends shit on ur life after u trust them a little bit. FML.

Well that was a kick in the ass .

Among lots of other events leading up to this and a comment from an anonymous person, I definitely got my goal in sight now. I`m always second guessing, always. But I think i`m entitled to that right, i been through a lot and so I get off track, A LOT. Currently I`m in college away from home living in a dorm with a roommate. A LOT HAS CHANGED. I will admit I am a little overwhelmed and I am still learning my limits as far as what I can and cannot do in order to not stress my body out and get sick again but hey, it`s my journey. I gotta go through it. I havent really been posting because I don`t get wifi all the way up to my room but now I am seeing how much venting really helps me and I need to continue to do this. Ima just say i`m try hard like HELL to keep my head up, it`s gonna be hard but I can do it. And I will use my talents to help me prevail in life and I will never second guess my beauty.....I can do this....

Upset.

Wanna know how I feel right now ?

I`m mad that throughout all my attempts at like fckin caring for people in general. Female friend. Guy friend. Or someone i like , it`s always a fckin FAIL. big ass fcking FAIL . and it`s like what do I do wrong ? I care for people, society and all that. Always had a heart of gold. && I get shitted on. Yeah I have my best friend , but she not here . She not here to take walks wit me or to drive wit me when I need like to de stress . So what the hell do I do every night ? either CRY , or watch lifetime movies and CRY .

I mean i`m going through so much alone . and everytime i get sick it`s because of stress but no one wants to be in my life or step up and be that friend or be that person in my life i love and i been trying for so long for that and i feel like it`s never gonna come. I don`t wanna die because i`m stressin out over being loved.

mask off, make-up off. time to face reality and to drown in my tears....ugh. goodnight.

i feel a lil better. but this poem go hard as fuhh

The more you tell me to shut up the more I wanna speak.

These mental visions inside me of makin your body leak.

YOU SHOOT DOWN MY CAPABILITY.

SO I SHOOT UP YO SPOT , are you kidding me ?

When greatness is shaken pebbles of wrath fall down.

Don`t damage anything you can`t amount to because there won`t be another round.

Who do you think you are you ask me over and over again.

That you don`t want to know my silly little friend.

This painted mask is so great that even you would come near me and trust me I aint THAT friendly.

Welcome to my bad side && there's no eraser to remove you from this page .

You stick here like permanent marker on a stage .

I`m not releasing you because I want you to feel this pain .

BANG. BANG. BANG. muthafcka. BANG.

All your stupid thoughts and uncapable dreams on the floor it`ll stain.

No remorse`ll be felt for you never AGAIN ....

I tried to hear you out as you skream and as you shout .

But I ain`t feelin it no more , so i`ll lead you down another route..

just a bit angry you think ? lol i love it.

FUCK LOVE

i quit, im done. ILL BE THAT BITTER BITCH BUT IMA BE HAPPY. tired of chasin shit that run from me. GET ON MY FUCKIN NERVES.....BOUT TO START WRITING pen to paper. purge my system.

NO WHERE .

i`m getting nowhere. Every person I turn to, to promote me or inspire me or lend me a helping hand in a project i`m trying to start only slap me down && it`s like wtf? Why are we cool if you don`t believe in me ? Exhausted with trying to prove to people who should be down for me in the first fucking place. If I can`t get them to help me or get there support how do I expect others to see what i`m trying to prove. I been strugglin with this shit so long I dun forget WTF I`M TRYNA PROVE IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE.

Like I read a few days before...the good die young and i`m bout ready to go home and be with my Lord. THIS LIFE SOME BULLSHIT.

ugh.

i keep searching for something thats not there....

A note on facebook about people deleting me LOL .

I keep realizing this and its lmao buggin me out, but not in a bad way.
It's the bitches that keep doing it, the low life bitches.
People that cant justify their actions and arent man enough or woman enough to say WHATS REALLY GOOD !
And see, i'm a woman enough to say who Im talking about because A) they was on bitch mode when I was talking to them and do what all bitches do when they cant take the heat on the phone and hang up on people. NOT KOSHER WHATSOEVER.

SO YOU TELLING ME, IF I WAS IN YO FACE RIGHT LOL YOU CAN SILENCE THIS???? AINT NO WAY. AINT NO HANGIN UP ON THIS SWEETY !!!!! So. Number one rule on how NOT to be bitch. HANDLE YOUR BUSINESS, STRAIGHT UP ! NO MATTER THE SITUATION . :)

Now, for the lil bytch boys all over the world !!!

Dont get mad, when people always doggin you out for shit you do. JUST STOP DOING IT!!!! IT AINT THAT HARD!!! And its funny how when others make that mistake, even if it rarely happens for them. THEY WANNA BE THE FCKN DRIVER FOR THE GUILT TRIP ! LIKE THEY ASS AIN NEVA DID IT BEFORE ! Ima need you to sit yo mr. i plead da fif ass DOWN and understand ITS ALL YOU !!! I can apologize and make right on my part, but yo ass still WRONG AS HELL !!!

lmaooo !!

BYTCHES AND HOES !!! SMH. cant live with em, cant live without em. ahahahahaha :D



&& most of yawl kno who im talking about in this. one female and one male. all i gotta say to them is MUTHAFCKKKKKKKKKKKKK YO LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, BYTCHESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ! :D Lets see who succeed in life being real or who succeeds being a TWATFACE !

AND THEN I COMMENTED THIS:

People got they pride all up they butthole out they mouth and dont even wanna accept THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG. Going around publizing the WRONG SIDE OF THE STORY to everyone else. the truth is the truth, no need to make it a PSA ! Those the people you needa look out for, ones tryna PROVE THEY POINT ALL THE TIME. MY POINT REIGNS PROVEN, I AINT GOTTA PUSH THE STORY NANNNN BIT ! lol this situation is chuckable. AHAHAHAHAHAHHA makin me chuckle.

My thoughts on what ive been thinking *in my t-roy voice* LOL

The thing about me is when I say I love you, whomever you are, it means in other words "I would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that I can to keep you from physical, spiritual, and mental harm." Love doesnt get deep to many people but it does to me. If you look into my past relationships, including friendships, I have been nothing but loyal to them , maybe too loyal but wtf, that's me. Maybe I can get too deep into it , can`t apologize about that but I can lighten up when told. I am not afraid of nothing or nobody so If you need me to be there in the most dangerous of situations, I am that girl. But alot of people dont see that and appreciate that anymore. I AM WILLING TO BE HARMED MY OWN DAMN SELF FOR THE SAKE OF LOVING ANOTHER PERSON. DOES THAT NOT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A SPECIAL ASS PERSON ??? All I gotta say now man , is if somebody else step on my toes on some other type of bullshit , I AM GOING TO BE A NUN . Nobody appreciates real love no more nor tries to attain it. So yeah when you hurt my feelings I cut off all connections and feelings for you unless you try to prove it to me some other way. Leah Rose gon b happy. I tell you that much.

Tired of stressing my body out getting sick, not recognizing myself in the mirror sometimes. Not anymore , ima be happy. And I dont need no one else to validate me, cause im DAMN confident in myself.Want real love ? Hit me up. If not , Fck outta hea.

LOST .

I know I may be confused but i`m not dumb. I am very well educated woman who likes to take a stand for what she believes in. The road I been traveling has been so clean cut and it`s like I know what mistakes not to make, but I barely have any experience with certain things that fascinate me or that I like to talk about. It may not be something I should do, but I think about it. I don`t know. They way I been going ain`t doing nothing for me and I can`t find nobody to talk to who gets it, who can offer something worth listening to. Nobody knows my past and what I been into and how I kinda lived a double life in my teen years and sometimes and somehow I want to actually LIVE the way I was. I wanna feel alive and just FEEL. I hate to feel like certain people were a figment of my imagination....or not who they say they were because I naively but my trust and ultimately love into them...but I put myself into that life and lived it.

I mean, what i value is love...and bringing inspiration to others. I do that already, i inspire. I love to get the compliments and see others excel in life but what about what I need inside. Love has never been here. Only multiple facets of fake love...i can`t deal no more.

So maybe my purpose is more than my needs, maybe I can tend to the world's need and find my way that way. I dun been through too much pain as it is I don`t see nothing else that can hurt me and even if it does, i`ll be where I wanna be. Time to make some lifestyle changes and figure out what it is i`m doing and what I`m going to do with my life. I`m just tired of this pointless shit i`m doing now. It may get others places but it ain`t doing shit for me..

ANGER .

My throat has a knot.
Words are thrusting around in my mind like a fucking tornado.
I hate the fucking cards life has dealt me.
If I could i`d shred them...then burn them...and then throw them in the deepest volcano I could possibly find.


My mirage is so perfect no one can see past this smile.
Even the genuity in my eyes convinces everyone, ignore these negative influences.
I'm not.
EVERY fucking night I cry. Every night.
It`s not fair. I can`t keep doing this and FURTHERMORE i don`t fucking deserve it.
I feel delirious, od mysterious.....like there can`t be no other human being who functions like this.
Everywhere I hurt and no band-aid can patch this shit up.
I think too much that I want to be with God, leave this world behind where no one shows me real love.
Where I can see the tears of emotion or feel fingertips of longing or just even a fucking simple meaningful kiss.....I`ve never felt a meaningful kiss.


I want someone to want me....hold me and never let go as there soul is felt all over my skin from the tears of happiness...baby let our souls mend together as our tears are mixed together because we are utterly happy together.... i don`t think i`ll ever get there......

i just dont care no more.

i can preach all day about the wisdom i have acquired....but life so unkind to me and my words fall on deaf ears....i`m just tired of talking...when no ONE EVER FUCKING APPRECIATES WHAT I SAY......i dunno anymore......I JUST DONT FUCKING KNOW.

Soul cry .

Respect me...she begs love me internally.
Yearning for people to realize that true love resides in her.
You want and you search for something that is right beside you.
You stomp all over it and mistaken it and demean it`s wealth.
She`s been there all along, yelling out urgent cries to you.
TAKE ME IM HERE.
All I ever wanted was love my dear...

These tears no longer replenish her garden...they run try.
The magic element of hope no longer exists in them so now...her flowers no longer bloom.
She's growing limp and she`s wilting from all the abuse and her love will go forsaken.
She's shakin , from all the pain from all the frustration .
At night she falls into her abyss of dreams and hopes to catch sanity
&& wrestle it down but it always fights piercingly...
she fights to hold down her true love...and sanity....never enjoying....humanity.

Tears are just clear blood to her now...no emotion felt....just pain of the soul crying out to show her that she has wounds inside...no way to fix it...no way to hide....because sanity wants out....&& her true love is trying to exscape...

But you are searching wrong...in my heart is where it is...it`s trying to get to you but if it leaves me i won`t exist....see I can`t live without my love....&& my sanity...I try to paint this smile...but i was never into vanity...


She tires of having her soul cry....feeling like every night she might die if what she has held on to for so long flees.....tired of living on that edge seeing you search for something that`s right here. You are my cure but you don`t know you can cure me.....make me wanna live again......

just to make you happy...i`ll let my love go...to be with you. Kiss my sanity goodnight as my soul bleeds one last time. Maybe this just isn`t my lifetime..

having withdrawals .

there's nothing like the real thing .
I binge in music , i binge in dance .
but there`s nothing like love in it`s truest form .
When I shower, I feel it trickle down my body && caress my skin as it cleanses me .
Simultaneously, sometimes I cry at it`s beauty && how I miss it so .
With music blaring, my body sways to the melody && my spirit flies so freely .
&& when the track ends it comes back to me, refreshed.
My daily regimen of rinsing the pain away.
I stay sane for you, so if you really do come back we can be .
With this burden on my back && pain still on me , i must go ...
&& cleanse myself because my sanity slips away from me .

rude.

niggas can be so rude sometimes. like wtf, i`m tryna show my feelings for you but NEVERMIND. happens too often... smh.

No air .

sexy vixen ..

sometimes i wanna be the hottest girl in the room .
the one with the features like , damn is that possible ?
I wanna be more than ordinary, or average .
I know I am mentally, spiritually and all that ; but i`d like the physicality to match.
sighhh...
I want the person i`m interested in to crave me in every way possible .
mad, things gotta be so hard.
why i gotta get sick for me to realize i gotta only worry about me.
not everyone is worth your tears ?
why couldnt i just not over indulge in the bad things...messing up my appearance .
i should have just cared about me and stayed....the way i was.

i had potential & i let it all go .
now it's gonna be even harder to get it back .


I wanna be that girl that guys know they gotta step to me at they highest game or its impossible.

im not conceited , i just know my worth .
it's time to show people that...

i have shingles again...

this time its on the left side of my face and around my left eye...gonna lie down now...

just kidding.

you know what, i was gonna vent and stuff but nevermind. ugh, i'm the most complex person I know. I can't even figure out myself so how am I gonna get someone else to. I REALLY DO NEED TO FAITHFULLY START GOING TO CHURCH :|.

ending this blog

im ending this blog soon bc i feel as though i havent got to impact as many people as id like and i feel like this is up so people can b in my business. so im takin it down. yep.

Dear, my sweet inspiration ....

April 27th 2011 .

You remind me of who I am supposed to be.
You bring me back to the day when I was 15, and life was easy.
Your presence has allowed me to see how far I have strayed from who I really am.
I may not know for sure who I am but I feel content and safe.
I aspire to be someone who inspire and loves others.
But I also want the excitement and power of a life without limits,
to feel and love as I deserve.

I'm not conniving or intentionally manipulative.
If a person is always positive and doing for others, why don't they deserve something special.

I don't know, but he made me feel. And I'm so glad for that.
I dream of they day when we can be together and if that never happens.

Just thank you, thank you for ...... resuscitating me.

this was on my facebook but i moved it

I'm not trying to write a poem or a song. I just need to talk...write...whatever you wanna call it. I been thinking alot lately...(surprise?) and I used to be a lively, beautiful, outgoing, not gonna let the world get me down, type of person. At this point...I lol just wanna give up so bad. Why try so hard when you always comming up short? Hope. That's why. I been running on E for a while now. But hope is keeping me trucking along with this fake ass smile painted on my face. Society don't want you have mental breakdowns throughout the day so you paint that smile on your face so everybody wont have a problem talking to you but when you get real on they ass you saying too much. So keep that fake ass smile painted for the rest of your life and die of some stress related disease later down the road.....we all gotta die right ? Smh, bullshit. My thing is...yeah I got lots of hope....I got this smile painted...hell i'm almost convincing myself....say you get what you want...you in the career, you snag the person you want, you get these down ass friends that will always have your back. There's always this doubt in my mind....these people don't know who I am or what I been through. Once they see all this pain and hurt and how I cry ALL THE DAMN TIME, they gon be like wtf where did this come from and dip. And ima be as down as I was before. Then I'm just not caring no more. I aint gon try no more....but I always end up doing it again...just trying to find my spot in life. I'm sorry my life isn't as.....carefree and easy as others.....it's pretty complicated.

lol its funny. I remember how....vibrant I was before become that confident girl I should have been...but when opportunities present themselves in front of me....this...broken down damaged girl comes out of no where and slaps me and says "What the fck are you thinking? You aint that bomb, seriously." And lol it's done. I revert back to who I am right now....unsure. scared. but striving. why strive if i'ma always be scared though. SMH. I always talk, I always try to tell people how I feel but sometimes I get tired of talking. People always want me to explain...DO YOU NOT SE ETHE 0132109321932019302190390 NOTES AND BLOGS I WRITE ? smh.

I try to be this good girl and I barely get any pleasure out of anything. I get utility from being so nice to people that deserve it but where is my.....good feeling? He sees that I need to smile genuinely sometimes. LOL. When I lay my head down on my pillow....i plug in my ear fones....envision musical notes in the darkness and I smile. The melodies sooth my soul and provoke tears to wash away the paint of happiness off my face to reveal what's really there. Distress. I hug my pillow and curl up and feel the softness of my skin and drift off. I'n the morning....i rinse the traces of those tears away and paint another happy picture on my face for the world to see.....they always believe it.


Who knows, maybe I am confident.
Maybe I am happy.
Or maybe it's the opposite.
I don't trust anyone I don't love and all I love is me.
And you can't have no opinion on me if you don't know me or love me.
So there's no second opinion.
I'll stick to being confused for now. Unless anyone wants to figure me out. But I doubt that.


Music time.


ps. i would go back and edit this to make it make sense but frankly i dont care :] . i think i may just copy this to my blog. i dont feel like people asking me dumb questions in relation to this. yup.

I wanna be..

I want to be that girl he can't live without.
I want to be that girl he would rather cuddle up and talk to than to be fixed upon only a physical relationship.

I just want someone to look into my soul....caress my spirit.
I'd feel so at home.


I want my own love story for once.....I wanna be loved the right way....

The Hip Hop Kid .

I remember living in Virginia, kids always outside, music blasting, skipping double dutch outside with my girls just living life not caring. Now the world is just filled with lost dreams, sex, sin, and negativity. Every now and then there is a beacon of light from a few people that have never and never will loose hope and anything they believe in.

I remember my dad letting me listen to hip hop songs not caring whether or not they had cuss words in them because they had a positive message, unlike my mom. With the first curse word she's turning the song off. But me and my dad, we just vibed, and I loved it. Growing up when people couldnt ease my fears I turned my speakers up and just drowned everything out. Hip Hop encompasses love so it became my drug. Love made me feel at home, it made me feel okay.

I gave that to all the wrong people...they didnt understand how my love grew and where it came from. Like I have said before, I want that love that hip hop makes you feel. It...captures your soul, heart, mind, body, and spirit and takes you to a whole other dimension.

I wanna inspire people the way that hip hop does. The words just encompass your body and takes you so high to a beautiful place to where all you can do is cry...and be amazed at how it makes you feel.... that's what it does to me.

I feel like i'm so gone from that feeling and it hurts me....that's why all I really listen to is hip hop because I want that feeling to stay with me. I will forever rock a Tribe Called Quest. FOREVER.

Hip Hop fills me with hope..I know things are going wrong in the world and I try not to ignore it, I know our time is comming short. Things are going wrong. But I always wanted my dream and I'm not giving up on it....say i'm blind to the truth but hey, its keeping me from breaking down every day. Dying a virgin no longer bothers me anymore...i'm not giving my body to no one I do not love...and all I love right now is hip hop. Hip hop has been there for me from the very beginning THROUGH EVERYTHING. I cried to you and I will NEVER let you go. You can have my body and make love to me as long as you will have me.


I love you. Come back to me, please .

hmmm..

i dont think i'm that....intimidating.
just talk to me, i promise i don't bite lol maybe just a lil bit ;]

the Daydreaming stage .

I don't know what to think right now lol but what I do know, he is fcking amazing.
I have never met any human being who challenges ideas or who is as intelligent than him.
He actually thinks, and contemplates and is VERY sure of himself, and I love it.
He's respectable and has so many ideas of his own that not even I would think of.
Talking to him is like Brain sex, I don't need intercourse because he stimulates me mentally.
If I had him by my side until I died and I never sex, I'd be okay dying a virgin, just saying. When he says things, he makes me feel again...whether it be happiness or shock...I just feel. I havent felt in a while. So most of the time I'm just in awe of him. Don't think I deserve him, so I don't approach him on that level, he deserves someone more than a queen and I don't wanna approach him on some groupie type shit, I want it to be perfect, but I really feel time is limited....so what do I do?

It's time to buckle down it handle it on my end, If I feel confident in this shit it's time to go after what I want no excuses...and If I can't do that it'll all be on me.

Everything about him makes my body quiver. but who says he'll even like me. There I go daydreaming, what I do best. I'll just listen to love songs and give this shit a rest, place him in the picture and fall into a deep sleep. I don't wanna make up something that will never be. But I'll keep him as my motivation because if he ever were mine.....i don't even know....he's too perfect for me..... sigh....

Leah Ashley Who ?

I try to be patient and not anticipate your arrival,
One day i'm high on life and the next i'm suicidal.
The only drug I need is what you provide,
Your special touch would be the ultimate override.
But instead these fakers, manipulators, they plague my life,
I'm confused, misconstrued, tired of these simple, basic dudes.
I'm exhausted of the sleepless, lonely nights tossing and turning,
I'm learning that I have to fall in love with me and solely me.
So that he, can appreciate my beauty.
Life seems to be cutting short and spiritually I am being called,
And to be gone before I have ever been loved, I am seriously appalled.
I'd miss his kiss and the bliss from the warm and supple touch of his lips,
The caress and the sex that sends my spirit outside my body for a couple of seconds.
But I feel so far from that...
because I won't just fall in love with anyone.
So am I destined to fall in love with me?
Or am I destined to live out MY dream?
The future is unknown and quite honestly i'm scared,
but I'm sure and secure knowing my love will always be out there,
I'm Ready.


3-22-11 <3.

P.S. I love this poem. And another thought, I'm trying to get back into my old stress relievers because I really do miss them (singing and writing) Especially singing though. There's something about expressing an emotion through a melody that is so beautiful to me, so yeah :]

attracting good men .

how am i supposed to attract a good, quality man for me, who fuels my soul and fills me with so much passion in the run down damage state that I am in?
Like who da fck is gonna be attracted to an utter and hot mess ????
i'm just saying, i dress cute and all that shit but I know sometimes I just dont be givin A FUHHH ! If I feel like shit most likely i'm not gonna dress up, that's just how it is. idk, maybe i'll bump into someone who sees that i'm trying for something that I deserve and will see behind all this pain and front that I be putting up. Yeah, let's hope.

hmmm

hoping for a miracle ....

loner.

i have never felt as alone as I do now.
I have trust issues out the ass so I dont know if I will ever have somebody to be by my side.
I dont wanna have anything to do with scheming ass muthafxckas straight up.
So if I gotta be alone and sad at night, so be it.

Just cant do it lol.
I dont even feel like me anymore, so yeah. the less interactions with people the less ill feel like im sending out the wrong impression.


i always gotta try for people but its time for people to try for me.

Wale ft Marsha - Diary .

Exactly how I feel. Makes me wanna sing the song all day.

But like Im sitting here doing my homework.
Seeing my "friends" go about there day and shit.

Idk yo I just feel so alone. I am in a very emotional state, although i barely cry.
I hint all fuckin day to people that things arent right by me but they dont see it. i hate that, THATS WHEN I CRY. like we supposed to be cool and you not seeing that im dying inside, i cant even focus on my work and shit....

i feel so slack in my life.
Like i dont like making friends bc i dunno they true intentions, i dunno if they really down for me because IM SO DIFFERENT.


like people ......UGH IDONT KNOW I JUST HATE THIS DAY AND AGE YO. what happen to the days when people really did try to discover you? Now people just leave you lonely and cuss you out when you bug out without figuring out wtf was wrong in the first place. smhhh
people dont even know the half of me.

I used to be alot of things im tryna let go. ima just stfu now though because i gotta knot in my throat and i aint tryna break down now, i gotta fuckin test tomorrow....

WOWWWWWWW.

I really cant vibe when dudes that are like fly beyond fuck and they offer the total package fall for DOOFY ASS CHICKS LMAO . like they be the most odd looking, swagga jocking, insecure bxtches of the crop !!!

And then you have all the bomb ass five star bxtches wanting your ass, but you want A DOOF ASS BXTCH ? LMAO OOOOOOOOOKAY !

yall can have some lil doofies together, maybe youll make em cute. who knows ? lmao .

fast life?

I think I know why so many good people turn to the fast life for instant gratification.

It feels good...and when you wake up and your back to reality. a lot of time has passed and you hope that love is waiting because if you take it day by day....it makes it seem like it will never be there.


yeap. so many nights of looking at the ceiling wondering....it's good to know but sometimes....your mind needs a break.

I like being pure .

Sometimes I don't mind the fact that I'm a virgin or the fact that I have never kissed anyone. Today's society sickens me so much. All you have to do is turn on the television and within 5 minutes something sexually oriented pops up on the screen. Whether it's a male enhancement commercial or two girls kissing....who are 15 years old. And I try not to be biased and think on a global scale because in some cases it's okay for 15 year olds to kiss and have children (I don't know about same genders) if their bodies can take it and if they can financially provide. If you are prepared to take on the responsibilities that come with adult activities then kudos to you.

It's so hard for me to mentally connect with anyone anymore. Yeah I can enjoy a casual conversation but at night when I go home I wonder if there is anyone out there who is like me...male or female I don't know, I just wonder. I'd love to think that sex is more than just two bodies rubbing at each other, i think it involves two spirits. But who cares about my opinion and who cares about true, real love.

The only thing people care about is what physically happens to them, what happens to their bodies. Who cares about a so called spirit? I do.

I don't care if I die a virgin or if I die never kissing anyone. I treasure me, my mind, body and my spirit. And if no one can see that in me, you can't have me no way shape or form. And i'll just be subjected to being alone.

Yeah I'll be sad sometimes because I am used to society's standards but If I don't loose sight of who I am inside i'll be okay and maybe I will find someone out there who believes as I do and we can share ideas together. That's all I really want right now.

I'm living this beautiful disaster called life .

hopeless.

every day shouldnt be a battle every day.
i fuckin wanna sleep all the time, why the fuck get up if it aint SHIT TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
BUT FAKE ASS MUTHAFUCKERS IN YOUR FACE, ALL THE TIME. SMILING TAMBOUT THEY LIKE YOU.


DF I LOOK LIKE ? APPARENTLY A FOOL TO YO ASS BECAUSE YOU MUHFUCKN TRANSPARENT BITCH.

ugh.

I shoulda never gave my love away. i shoulda been smart about my love life and just never talked to no guy. givin my love away to these muthafuckers that lie ALL THEY DO IT LIE. THAT WAS MY LIFELINE AND YOU JUST FUCKING KILLED ME. TOOK IT ALL AWAY. you knew i was good woman and you abused that you did, all of you did. YOU FUCKING HURT ME AND I HATE ALL OF YOU. I DOOOO. CAUSE I NEVER GOT TO SEE YOUR FACES. I DIDNTTT. ahhh...


look at me, im all fucked up in the head and cant even focus right and focus on me to get better. BECAUSE I HAVE NO LOVE LEFT ME. IM DEAD ON THE INSIDE, DONT KNOW HOW TO BE NO MORE. DONT KNO HOW TO ATTRACT THE RIGHT FRIENDS OR NONE OF THAT IN MY LIFE.




I TRIED TO BE STRONG FOR SO LONG BUT FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK THATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

I tell myself i wouldnt do anything to hurt myself because my family needs me my baby cousin needs me BUT LEAH NEEDS ME, I NEED TO BE OKAY WITH MYSELF, I CANT JUST EXIST FOR SOMEBODY ELSE. ID HATE TO JUST BE SO UPSET IN MY LIFE TO JUST LEAVE THEM BUT I JUST OOOO idk, this shit is fkn ridiculous. my heart cant take no more of this SHIT.


i just cant.

i dont nobody wrong all i do is try and love ppl they drain that shit outta me and dont give it back....I DONT WRITE NO MORE. IM NEVER INSPIRED. I HAVENT WROTE POETRY IN SO LONG....................................ima stfu. im just idk. going to sleep now :|

knb'i/kc;ytvluv

MY FRIENDS FUCKING SUCK. END OF STORY. IM PUTTING MY ASS INTO TO BED TO CRY AND IM NOT CALLING NO DAMN BODY BC THEYD PROLLY FUCKING HANG UP IN MY DAMN FACE!!. MOST OF THEM ARE THE MOST SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE, PIECES OF.............WORK IVE EVER MET IN MY FUCKING LIFE. WHY DO I LOVE THESE KINDA PEOPLE????????????????? WHY WHY WHY??????? ugh. my lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

friends and love.

so im definitely jealous when my friends get caked up ESPECIALLY when its genuine.

i want...to throw up.

Definitely going to church on Sunday, i need to be redirected.

I need a .....LIFE BOOST .

so tomorrow ima dress real cute and take pictures && post em...then go about my day. i shall make the best of my damn life ..

im lost in my own madness...

woke up at 5 pm....still just diddly daddling around in my room.
feeling shitty.
so many goals
so much room for improvement
so many NEEDS that are just unfeasable for me right now...
no support system.
no love..

im like having love withdrawals right now cause i cant think straight.
gotta test tomorrow. and still havent studied.

like i said im lost.
very....lost. Again :|

post your twitters; and follow me !!

x_dollbaby .

love sweet love....im addicted...

I want you to love me.
Reach into my soul and pull out every insecurity,
Take me just for this one night and make me feel sane.
I don't want to feel no pain.
With every kiss mend my heart, with every caress replace my scars and smear my sweet brown skin in.
I need this, my body and soul trembles for this.
Love me like no other being can, look into my soul and make me feel like we are connected.
Don't succumb to every other man's version of love, only expressing this lovely emotion through intercourse and/or words. I need verbs.
Show me, take me away pleasee.
Release all the stress and pain from the past, I wanna let it go just to be with you.
I want to love without reservation...i do.

I am so tired of waiting on you, taking chances with you, having my heart broken by you. I just want you to be real when I think I see you. I wanna stop seeing the reflection of you on these lies...I deserve to feel you, see you, hear you, smell you, and touch you. Please stop running from me, sweet love. I'm so stuck on you and my body aches for you, I just can't wait any longer....please dont keep me waiting...

and when I find you and I know it's real, my life will never be the same. Those tears that will flow down my face will represent all the pain that you have pushed out of my body from blessing me with your presence....words won't even make sense to you because no sum or amount of words will every amount to the thanks and the gratitude that I have for you blessing my life with happiness....just tears.

Kiss this tears and let them hit the ground; wipe them away as your hands, your lips, and your embrace empty my body of this lifelong pain replacing it with all this love....let's speak no words. Let the power of love nurse me back to healthh.

mmm mmm mmmm...I need to go to church....

definitely wanna blog more..

but i dont know how to quite get more followers...how do u attract followers who are actually interested in what you talk about..hmmm?

LOL

im in overdrive mode; LOL ALL IT TOOK WAS THAT. Watch me shine, bitch.

Love and why im addicted to it .

This may be hard to believe but I do have a hard time explaining myself. Like, a lot of thoughts come to me at one time and I never give each idea its full explanation. Love is shown in many different ways and happen to many different people, ideas, or things. I love music, I love certain people, I love the idea of....i do not know...world peace.

Recently I just been feeling like a go getter about my life. I want money, i go get it. I want a friend, I go make one. I want someone to love me, I put myself out there and try to meet someone who would appreciate me for who I have been, who I am, and who I am trying to be. Life gets deep to me. I do not just dwell on a person because of materialistic values. NOW DO NOT GET ME WRONG, i do appreciate eye candy but its not at the top of my priority list!

I still am pretty down in the dumps about my health and how it's affecting my ability to feel confident and go out there and be the beautiful person I am but that is a project that still is being worked on; i have not totally given up like I feel like sometimes.

Sometimes it hurts me when I am OBVIOUSLY down and friends do not try and see what is wrong with me. A simple "What's wrong?" is not going to make me talk, plain and simple. With years of knowing me PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT. I am not a blabber mouth and for the most part im quiet, so how da hell you think that is gonna make me spill my emotions out to you? Be smart, por favor.

And all these thoughts do tie into what I am feeling. It's like a get a whirlwind of thoughts when I think about love. Love feeels sooo gooodd; and what it makes your body feel and it's capabilities is amazinggg. And I long for that bitch so much lol I never been so high on life when i'm in love. I don't get high; and getting drunk just makes you sloppy. I wanna feel like wonderwomann and like i'm in deep admiration of somebody.

When I'm with somebody I am totally devoted to that person and there needs and I want to feel that from them as well. I wanna be taken to a whole nother would where it is just me and him and where I can just be myself and feel bigger than life because I have felt like that before.

I want to find things about myself that I never knew before; I wanna do things and .....LOL how do I say this in a non-freakish way....have things done upon myself (lmao) that makes my spirit sing. I wanna be the ONLY one. I don't know, I think im deserving of this love.

The devil is always after though. I'm a good girl, I do not do his work. So he makes life hard on me and always discourages me but this is something I WANT BADLY NOW. I am 20 years old and has never kissed anyone....I find this to be a problem LOL.

As passionate as my ass is, i'm surprised I have not done things that I wont mention LOL. But my reasoning is because I'd rather wait for that one guy who is going to blow my mind and stop my world from spinning.

I've talked to gang members, rappers, dancers, and creative ass dudes, from all different races and they have brought so many different ideas and things into my life and no matter how bad they treated me, I still appreciate them for making me feel I guess what they would call love for that certain amount of time.

They taught me what I like, what I love, what I will and would not tolerate and so much more.

I dont know, music calls me now. Listening to love songs, wanting to be that girl in them; i get tired of trying though. I want someone to be attracted to me because of who I am and what I bring to the table. Not how good I look on any given day. just saying.

But im waiting....and getting very impatient :/

lfnekwnewngvwrvr FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Im so tired, im done trying.
Why cant people just love me naturally.
I always have to try.
Try to let my guard down, try to let people see me.
Why cant you just love me...i dont wanna try no more.
All the mean people get love so easy, they step all over others to get what they want.

I just want someone to care about me, im so sad.
I been putting myself out there for so long and nothings happened.
i dont wanna do it no more, i just want someone to love my heart
nurse me back to health please...just pleasee..

:,(

I want meaning in my life.

I have always admired people that cause great change in their communities. They realize that the world is more than just them and that them as a being have the capabilities and capacities of causing great change. I so wanna be that. I love it when someone who….can be out doing all types of wrong choose to do all types of right and cause other people to have the best day ever. My mom has always instilled this feeling and belief into me. I will never forget when I used to do things for the special education kids when I was in elementary school, it made them so happy. I used to go over this little girl house and read books to her and she would be smiling the whole time. I mean I never understood like specifically why they were that way I just knew I made them happy and it made me feel SOOOOO GOOOOD inside. I don’t feel that type of utility anymore and I want it back. I want to feel outta body. I want to feel like im more than a human being. I know it’s possible because I am God’s child. I don’t wanna be subject to this everyday trivial type shit people be on. Making fun of people and being manipulative. I’m above all of that. You over here tryna scheme on somebody else and das all you care about when people going through all types of shit on the verge of death and ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS HOW UGLY SOMEBODY LOOK ? REALLY????? smh. People just trip me da fck out with that.

And I meann I been going through a lot of stuff internally feeling like something is missing in my life but I feel like I been going through it the wrong way. And nobody can really counsel me in how to go about getting it if they don’t know me. It seems like whenever you discover things about yourself or things that you need in your life the good things follow and fall into place. I been on this grind tryna find someone for me and to find happiness in my life so hard that I don’t give a chance to find me. I need to find happiness for myself and then maybe all the other things will rightfully come my way. Every time I fail at what I want I like…dig a whole deeper and plung myself in it.

So ima try and not trip over not having things that I want, maybe God wanted me to be this way right now. Ima just do things that will make me feel even more whole with Leah Rose and call it a day. I no longer go to bed feeling like….I don’t love myself and God knows that is a hugggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee step with me. Maybe my journey has to be with me and no one else. The right people to be in my life will join and assist me when they recognize my truth and what I’m about….I feel better now. lol.

rambling. prolly aint makin no sense.

Why is it when we feel the most highest sometimes we feel the lowest? Is it maybe because we feel  like this new found happiness is a figment of our imagination and that we are damned to be sad forever? That’s how I feel sometimes. There’s no reason for me to be completely surrounded by people that care about me laughing and then the next minute crying. I understand and I know I am probably one of the most emotionally deep people [persons] hell idk, on this earth and its hard to know me but I wish people would try. I am a damn good person. and it sucks because I feel like Im not gonna succeed in life being me. Nice people get fckn ate up in this world but I cant help if being nice is who I am, I cant stop being me. Yeah, I would defend myself and be angry and mean to someone if they was being rude to me or disrespectful but that’s all in the protection of me. Don’t disrespect me and I am nice all the time. SIGH. There is rarely a person like me in this world and it makes me sad bc I want someone to be nice to me like I am to people but I never can find it, I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PUNK FOR WRITING THIS BUT WHAT THE HELL. NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT FEELINGS ANYMORE IN PERSON ANYWAYS. smh. I don’t even know. like I was just CONTENT. now im like…buggin out. I have never felt so confident in myself yet so far from myself THAT DON’T MAKE NO SENSE. UGH. but it’s trueee.

I wish someone could help me make sense of myself. I don’t wanna sit here and mess up my life tryna do the right thing making all the wrong decisions. maybe this is me being ate up by the world or somethin idk. but I don’t wanna be. People should help out the nice people in the world and not use them because once u use up all the nice people all its gon be IS EVIL ASS MEAN PEOPLE. hmph. im done.

my emotions are all fckd up dude..

I don’t even know how to like decipher them no more.