This may be hard to believe but I do have a hard time explaining myself. Like, a lot of thoughts come to me at one time and I never give each idea its full explanation. Love is shown in many different ways and happen to many different people, ideas, or things. I love music, I love certain people, I love the idea of....i do not know...world peace.
Recently I just been feeling like a go getter about my life. I want money, i go get it. I want a friend, I go make one. I want someone to love me, I put myself out there and try to meet someone who would appreciate me for who I have been, who I am, and who I am trying to be. Life gets deep to me. I do not just dwell on a person because of materialistic values. NOW DO NOT GET ME WRONG, i do appreciate eye candy but its not at the top of my priority list!
I still am pretty down in the dumps about my health and how it's affecting my ability to feel confident and go out there and be the beautiful person I am but that is a project that still is being worked on; i have not totally given up like I feel like sometimes.
Sometimes it hurts me when I am OBVIOUSLY down and friends do not try and see what is wrong with me. A simple "What's wrong?" is not going to make me talk, plain and simple. With years of knowing me PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT. I am not a blabber mouth and for the most part im quiet, so how da hell you think that is gonna make me spill my emotions out to you? Be smart, por favor.
And all these thoughts do tie into what I am feeling. It's like a get a whirlwind of thoughts when I think about love. Love feeels sooo gooodd; and what it makes your body feel and it's capabilities is amazinggg. And I long for that bitch so much lol I never been so high on life when i'm in love. I don't get high; and getting drunk just makes you sloppy. I wanna feel like wonderwomann and like i'm in deep admiration of somebody.
When I'm with somebody I am totally devoted to that person and there needs and I want to feel that from them as well. I wanna be taken to a whole nother would where it is just me and him and where I can just be myself and feel bigger than life because I have felt like that before.
I want to find things about myself that I never knew before; I wanna do things and .....LOL how do I say this in a non-freakish way....have things done upon myself (lmao) that makes my spirit sing. I wanna be the ONLY one. I don't know, I think im deserving of this love.
The devil is always after though. I'm a good girl, I do not do his work. So he makes life hard on me and always discourages me but this is something I WANT BADLY NOW. I am 20 years old and has never kissed anyone....I find this to be a problem LOL.
As passionate as my ass is, i'm surprised I have not done things that I wont mention LOL. But my reasoning is because I'd rather wait for that one guy who is going to blow my mind and stop my world from spinning.
I've talked to gang members, rappers, dancers, and creative ass dudes, from all different races and they have brought so many different ideas and things into my life and no matter how bad they treated me, I still appreciate them for making me feel I guess what they would call love for that certain amount of time.
They taught me what I like, what I love, what I will and would not tolerate and so much more.
I dont know, music calls me now. Listening to love songs, wanting to be that girl in them; i get tired of trying though. I want someone to be attracted to me because of who I am and what I bring to the table. Not how good I look on any given day. just saying.
But im waiting....and getting very impatient :/
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