this was on my facebook but i moved it

I'm not trying to write a poem or a song. I just need to talk...write...whatever you wanna call it. I been thinking alot lately...(surprise?) and I used to be a lively, beautiful, outgoing, not gonna let the world get me down, type of person. At this point...I lol just wanna give up so bad. Why try so hard when you always comming up short? Hope. That's why. I been running on E for a while now. But hope is keeping me trucking along with this fake ass smile painted on my face. Society don't want you have mental breakdowns throughout the day so you paint that smile on your face so everybody wont have a problem talking to you but when you get real on they ass you saying too much. So keep that fake ass smile painted for the rest of your life and die of some stress related disease later down the road.....we all gotta die right ? Smh, bullshit. My thing is...yeah I got lots of hope....I got this smile painted...hell i'm almost convincing myself....say you get what you want...you in the career, you snag the person you want, you get these down ass friends that will always have your back. There's always this doubt in my mind....these people don't know who I am or what I been through. Once they see all this pain and hurt and how I cry ALL THE DAMN TIME, they gon be like wtf where did this come from and dip. And ima be as down as I was before. Then I'm just not caring no more. I aint gon try no more....but I always end up doing it again...just trying to find my spot in life. I'm sorry my life isn't as.....carefree and easy as others.....it's pretty complicated.

lol its funny. I remember how....vibrant I was before become that confident girl I should have been...but when opportunities present themselves in front of me....this...broken down damaged girl comes out of no where and slaps me and says "What the fck are you thinking? You aint that bomb, seriously." And lol it's done. I revert back to who I am right now....unsure. scared. but striving. why strive if i'ma always be scared though. SMH. I always talk, I always try to tell people how I feel but sometimes I get tired of talking. People always want me to explain...DO YOU NOT SE ETHE 0132109321932019302190390 NOTES AND BLOGS I WRITE ? smh.

I try to be this good girl and I barely get any pleasure out of anything. I get utility from being so nice to people that deserve it but where is my.....good feeling? He sees that I need to smile genuinely sometimes. LOL. When I lay my head down on my pillow....i plug in my ear fones....envision musical notes in the darkness and I smile. The melodies sooth my soul and provoke tears to wash away the paint of happiness off my face to reveal what's really there. Distress. I hug my pillow and curl up and feel the softness of my skin and drift off. I'n the morning....i rinse the traces of those tears away and paint another happy picture on my face for the world to see.....they always believe it.


Who knows, maybe I am confident.
Maybe I am happy.
Or maybe it's the opposite.
I don't trust anyone I don't love and all I love is me.
And you can't have no opinion on me if you don't know me or love me.
So there's no second opinion.
I'll stick to being confused for now. Unless anyone wants to figure me out. But I doubt that.


Music time.


ps. i would go back and edit this to make it make sense but frankly i dont care :] . i think i may just copy this to my blog. i dont feel like people asking me dumb questions in relation to this. yup.