I like to cry in the shower.

All visible traces of pain washed down the train.

The bags underneath my eyes erased by the cold water.

Why are your eyes so red Leah??? I got shampoo in my eyes.

Simple. It’s just me and God. Only he knows and that is all I want to know.

Tired of fighting with the world to be who I am, tired of the fucking judgement.

I cannot help that everyones image of beauty isnt me. I feel beautiful inside but when you are constantly getting you arent beautiful drilled into your head its hard to believe your own damn self.

My heart is as pure as gold…or it least it was. So I don’t understand all this pain. It cant be karma….so it has to be the devil.

Im not gon prolong this. im just so tired. I don’t thing I deserve this pain in my heart yo, I don’t. I really don’t. I just wanna be held and told I am beautiful that’s it…..that’s all I FUCKING WANT. im too done.

damn damn damn…

mmmmmmmmm !!!!!!!

He’s beautiful and so am i.

When I see a guy, I see everything. I have always been able to do that. When someone’s interior, things that make them attractive in relation to personality, matches there exterior, physical looks, it is very….intriguing and ignites a fire that can never be exterminated. But many guys know they have that charm and they use it to their advantage. I’m just so afraid to let go of being so….sure and safe. I don’t want to give someone else the control of controlling me. I am not your average girl. And I am very confident in who I am….and a little less in certain ways. If only it was easier, I don’t know. I want to know that I am capable of anything…I do. I do not like feeling caged up and unfulfilled. I have this feeling that being shy is always going to be apart of my character but I wish it did not hold me back from what I really want. Because later on I beat myself up about it and I feel like lol that silly little girl in middle school that like, could have kissed a guy but didn’t lmao. There’s a lot of potential boxed up in this shy woman and I am determined to let it out no matter how out of my comfort zone I feel. I ‘ve been strong  all my life to sit here and conform and stop seeing what I am capable of. I love me, I am just still on my own personal journey. I want relationships that make me feel out of body and want to go and do freakin summersaults and flips everywhere. And maybe I am just scared to say forever to something that has the least bit of unsureness (couldn’t think of a word lol) I’m just gonna end this post with my favorite quote of all time.

 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Tamia- Almost.

Sums up my love life. I have been looking for a song that would hit home and this did. So if you wanna understand what my heart has been through and how I have dedicated myself to somebody listen to it….closely.

Nobody truly wants a good friend.

Tired of this shit.

Maybe I wont check up on you while you in Afghanistan and could possibly get killed. I’ll pretend not to care.

Maybe I wont do everything within my power to assist you because you have no where to stay since you been kicked out your house. I’ll have no sympathy.

I’ll pay you to help me out and I’ll be there through all times of the night for you to just use me for your own opportunity, NOT. I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE.

See this is that good shit. A friend who actually LOVES YOU. BUT YOU MUTHERFUCKERS HAVE USED ME FOR THE LAST GOT DAMN TIME. AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY IM SO ANGRY? BECAUSE IM REAL AND GET USED LIKE A MUTHERFUCKING DISHRAG. FCK THAT !

I’m doin that lone shit until someone is down to ride for me. My kindness has been misused so I’ll keep it to myself.

Have a great day

Ventation; lubrication for happiness to slip through .

All this stress I been dealing with alone has been getting to me, not really negatively health wise, just in my daily things. Like today, had a dermatologist appointment and didn’t go. I had a test today in class and didn’t go (mind you I haven't been in like a month and its sad but I don’t care). I’m trying to graduate in May and I need this class and I need to keep my gpa over a 3.0. I’m just tired man.

Tired of doing so much positive and being a Christian like woman and still enduring like triple plus pain. Don’t make no sense to me.

I try to go to church so I can work through my emotions but my freakin job act like they cant let me. And everytime pain like this happens to me it makes me just wanna stop being nice and start being bitchy and rude and self-indulging and that’s the last person I wanna be. I know who I used to be and who I am now and people don’t realize that, I was a freakin….angry person. Like if I really wanted to cause destruction in my own way I could. But I aint tryna be like that no more. So I try indulging in music, I cant freakin write no more like I used too…im so freakin depressed. everything is so gloommmy..ugh. I know I ain even fit for no relationship right now. I just wantt a downnn ass bitt down to ride for me. Male or female, and no matter how many new friends I make they always fck me over.

So I’m good, I’ll ride for myself until God sends me a sign. Emotionally, I cant do fake bxtches no more. Aint got the excess breathe to waste on it. Yessir. And all these feelings discredit the 1 to 3 people that actually try to get to know me…but they dunno why I feel this way and I feel like they gonna leave because of how I act. smh. Ima just pray and hope for the best, that’s all I can do….

Been through some hard times while the burden was on my back, it was rough but I was determined so I adapt –Papoose .

My Womb; Another planet

My womb is a place of birth.
It conflicts with the emotions of my heart.
His intentions are to reside within and be reborn.
But he does not know it and he takes advantage.

He wants to glide inside and have me ride but no I do not have the time,
See pretty young thing I am a queen to be esteemed.
These walls are not meant for many men's pleasures,
you cant just slide up in and out on any endeavor.
It takes time, patience, and love to grace these walls.

But when entered I want you to knock down every expectation I had,
Make me glad to open my walls up to you and allow this feeling to take over my body.
I do not want to care how loud I scream because I am rejoicing for God placing you this way.

The way you murmur my name reminds me of who I am because got damn you made me forget
The way you slow stroke and put pressure on these hips, you pull my hair and place kisses on this lips.

My womb is a place of birth.
It conflicts with the emotions of my heart.
I cannot look at you the same because the person you introduced me to is beside myself.

I have met sensuality and she calls at me at the most inappropriate times. I daze off at the dinner table and I find that after I sip my iced tea my lips are not the only thing that stays moist see you, have gotten me this way.

Enter my womb the way you entered my heart.
Slow and carefully.
Listen to my breathe and stroke my chest as it heaves up and down.
Learn my body and tend to its needs as I loose myself to your instruments keys.

Press my buttons and probe my heart, testing my limits and learning my art. Don't treat this room as a place of pleasure, treat my womb as a sacred treasure, a place where your babies will grace this world...a place where we can join in our own planet....my womb is a place of birth where I nurse you back to health.

I cum in peace.

My Womb; Another planet

My womb is a place of birth.
It conflicts with the emotions of my heart.
His intentions are to reside within and be reborn.
But he does not know it and he takes advantage.

He wants to glide inside and have me ride but no I do not have the time,
See pretty young thing I am a queen to be esteemed.
These walls are not meant for many men's pleasures,
you cant just slide up in and out on any endeavor.
It takes time, patience, and love to grace these walls.

But when entered I want you to knock down every expectation I had,
Make me glad to open my walls up to you and allow this feeling to take over my body.
I do not want to care how loud I scream because I am rejoicing for God placing you this way.

The way you murmur my name reminds me of who I am because got damn you made me forget
The way you slow stroke and put pressure on these hips, you pull my hair and place kisses on this lips.

My womb is a place of birth.
It conflicts with the emotions of my heart.
I cannot look at you the same because the person you introduced me to is beside myself.

I have met sensuality and she calls at me at the most inappropriate times. I daze off at the dinner table and I find that after I sip my iced tea my lips are not the only thing that stays moist see you, have gotten me this way.

Enter my womb the way you entered my heart.
Slow and carefully.
Listen to my breathe and stroke my chest as it heaves up and down.
Learn my body and tend to its needs as I loose myself to your instruments keys.

Press my buttons and probe my heart, testing my limits and learning my art. Don't treat this room as a place of pleasure, treat my womb as a sacred treasure, a place where your babies will grace this world...a place where we can join in our own planet....my womb is a place of birth where I nurse you back to health.

I cum in peace.

Where are you Leah ?

I want to say that the reason I have this blog is because I want to be free to express my pain and you cannot do that with many people. I do not care who sees. this is me. Good, bad, pretty or ugly. If you cannot take it then you cannot take me. I will not deny my feelings about people, things, life, and just everything. I am so tired of loosing people. I know some people are not meant to be in your life but the ones that you love so much and care so much about should not have to leave. And I get treated like shit, I do not see how I offend them and make them say the things they say and if I forgive and forget, I feel like that scared, insecure little girl I used to be. And ill be damned if I go back to being that way.... I have so many things within myself I need to deal with before I begin to even embark on loving someone else and that hurts me so bad because I more than want it, I desire it. I know im depressed, I know it. And its so embarassing. How I just fckn let myself go. and i did. i fkn did. and i didnt fkn want to. and it pisses me offfffffffff. ahhhhhhhhh. im so close to the edge. sometimes i feel like ima brake down in public because its always on my back. poking me letting me kno that its still there. i just want to walk outside and be like...damn im so happy right now. i dealt with all my shit and I can let it go and be me. I feel so far from that moment. I always feel like a burden to people because of what I go through.

Ima damaged soul, i know that. Ive been through so much shit.
ughhh......these damn tears......sigh. i just wanna be betta, dont wanna be sick no more. i dont want my brother to be sick no more. it hurts me so bad bc i love him and we both dont deserve this pain, this stress, the ridicule. we deserved to be loved for everything that we are. we do. Too many thoughts are racing through my head right now....cant do this.....ima just do my hw, shower all this pain away and lay down. tired of standing alone... :(

Time to embark on my self-love journey .

So I was watching YouTube videos and watching inspirational females such as AndreasChoice and others discussing hair, nails, skin, and make-up. They are like so enlightening to me and confident. I feel as though my journey and success would be ultimately beneficial to me and other females who have gone through similar things. I battle eczema which has been a big part of why I battle with hair loss and skin flair ups. I have the most sensitive skin and allergies that I have to manipulate almost everything that I do. It is time for me to take control of my life and take advantage of every natural and organic solution that there could be. So I listed a few vitamins I am going to try and start using. Exercising has been a lost cause for me lately so I do need to start dieting but thats been said than done right? I am so broke that I have been just buying things that are cheap. And we ALL know dieting is not cheap nor are the best skin products. Biotin, Fish Oil (which i dont know if I can use since i'm allergic to fish, but we will see), Gelatin, Iron, Super B Complex, Vitamin C, and MSM. So when I go to visit my Dermatologist I will ask her and see what her opinion will be since I do take other medications. Keep me in your prayers all ! I love my few followers :]

My road trip called life.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Old video about me that I never put up lol

deleted lol

coolin it :)

and diggin it :)

NO EXTRA SHOULDER?

I feel like im a great person. so why dont i have a shoulder to lean on?
maybe its because i been in a circumstance i should have left a long time ago
but im doing my best to remain strong in my circumstance and even grow in it.


just a thought.

So the day after day blogging thing..

lol yeahh. i havent gained one new follower so I'm gonna lay that to rest. But ive been alright. still grindingg :) When something happens ill hit you guys up !

day 18 - Finals .

Late night studying. no sleep. falling asleep when your not SUPPOSED to at a drop of a dime. sigh, cant wait for this SHIT to be over. Planning a cruise to Haiti and Jamaica, we will see how that goes lol. peace yall.

day 17 - VOTE FOR ME !

http://www.realitywanted.com/member/id/176948

I want to be on that lil documentary thing. so please vote ! thanks.

day 16 - FAMOUS .

I wanna be famous. so I shall be. tis all.

Day 15 - Overwhelmedd .

finals is comming up. cant focus. drama. MORE drama. no incentives. no knight in shining armor to sweep me away. whatever. wheres my sweats and tee and my hoody. not feelin like tryna "stunt" everyday. if u cant take me dressed down then you cant take me dressed up. its whatever.

day 14 - Changes

I have a lot I want to talk about but I do not wanna rush it because I wanna be as in-depth as I can be. So heres to the bulleted list! lol

• My family reunion - the unity factor, how talented we are, how strong we are, how beautiful we are as a black people.
• Becoming a vegetarian..if possible.
• Feeling emotional drained and antsy about...experiencing life.
• Feeling alone.
• Apply for Made on mtv.
• There is someone like me, my baby cousin Maya Elaine <3
• Not liking my cold, barren heart.
• Every day being a battle to keep myself together.

well I have school work to do and im exhausted. still taking them skin pills that lower my immune system. kinda tired of feeling so drained. About to go to take a nap and prepare for an all nighter. My bad for the delay you guys. peace. love. and music.

Day 13 - Off to the lone star state .

Best believe there will be millions of pictures taken on the way there lol

I gotta long night ahead of me though and I know my mom does too, smh.

Which means Im gonna have to help drive, boo.

Still packin, got homework I wanna try and finish so I aint gotta worry about it over the weekend.

Gotta clean up the house and what not. charge ipods, charge the camera battery..if i can find it again lmfao.

I wasnt gonna bring my labtop with me but I might, idk.

I miss my blogs about fashion, music, and just things goin on in the music industry.

hair and all da.

Once I clear my mind I shall comment on things like that.

I did get me some cute lil hair clips for my frofro :)

peace.

day 12 - I found my camera charger !!

So better high quality videos for you guys ! The first one will probably be one of the family reunion though. Im doing this blog to help me organize my day today because im all over the place. I did my presentation with my group today, i GOT LIKE OD NERVOUS. I didnt stutter or anything i just was shakin alot and my voice got a little shaky but thats it. Sooo I need tooo...

• Finish chapter 2 and 3 on mymathlab.com
• Finish my history assignments for this week and weekend.
• Do my communications essay proposal and email him that I wont be able to make it thursday
• call alexslemonade stand about the late donation i received.
• PACK for the family reunion this weekend lol sigh.
• Go to bed early for work tomorrow.

day 11 - Summer school .

So I skipped another day, and I have a viable reason for that. lol School projects, presentations and tests and what not. and I gotta keep my gpa above a 3.0 for my hope scholarship. So thats my number one priority. I love my blog so Im trying to it some attention. So today its getting like two minutes of my time :) Well im out yaw, smh gotta handle this shit. Time to act like I aint depressed so I can present and make an a and alla dat. Wish me luck and pray for me. I need this. Peace, love, and soulmusic <3 .

day 10 - Big Booty Bxtches .

Wanna laugh ?

Day 9 - ha .

The more people judge me and say ridiculous shit it makes me laugh and want to prove them wrong even more. Like the drive in me is bigger than me as an individual. Just because you see someone timid does not mean that they are not capable of something big. Looks are deceiving. So I would advise the quick at the mouth to pause for a second and use their minds. I may be struggling now, I may be depressed, I may not be winning the little battles and yes I do cry at night like a little bitch but I am winning the war because I wake up everyyy morning. Even if my tank is on E and I drive myself. I keep running. Running on little drops of motivation. But oohhhh when my gas tank gets full you mutherfuckers better hope and pray youre DEAD . Cant say that anymore harshly.

If you were famous, what would you be famous for?

If you were famous, what would you be famous for?

Answer here

Day8 - I SKIPPED A DAY ! BEEN BUSY

Yea lol drama will do that to you, send you straight to bed !! like ahhhh !! LMAO

but yeah. I missed three classes already from my math class. I think im going to the thursday class to make up for it tomorrow. because im off so I think thatll be good for me. With all that said ima head to bed, well actually. I have to drive to the post office to send the donation money off.

I think I may just drive around to feel the breeze and then hit the bed.
Much love to everyone.
im out.

Day7- Lemonade Stand

Unfortunately we had no video camera :(

BUT !!!!!!!!!!

<3

Day 6 - July 4th :)

So today is pretty busy so I'm going to go ahead and do my post.

I just came from church helping my ma do Sunday School, i miss them lil kids.

Im seriously contemplating becoming a 7th day adventist, but I gotta do my research on it.

I love being Baptist, just gotta see what I believe in more.

My dad tryna put together the grill right now lol and I want to go see Toy Story with my friend Rj and his people. i miss himm <3

and then I may go see the fireworks at the landing. I believe today can be a good day, so ima leave it at that.

My lemonade stand fundraiser for kids with cancer is tomorrow, so im looking forward to that! I'll let you guys know how that goes tomorrow. One love.

Day5 - Hmm.

I wonder if the people I cry for cry for me.

I wonder if i'll be so beautiful, that guys really want to get to know me. Want to stay with me till I fall asleep just to see if Im really that beautiful. Staring at me in amazement.

smh.

Im so sad sometimes. Like I really do love my close friends. But why do they misuse me. Yeah im hard and dont show emotion, but once u break through that youll see. No one has seen me cry, and you wonder why..... And I hate that im not 100 percent confident. Im tired of fighting. At the end of the day, Im not this fuck everybody for fucking me over type person. I feel, I wanna give and I long to give. but its...idk.

My heart is just broken. every which way. this is WHATS real.

not that. smiling shit i try to do.

at the end of the day, THIS IS ME.

broken, not making sense, sad as all fucking outdoors, but hanging in there. what the fuck ever.

smh.

Day 4 - Deep emotions, how i been feeling .

There has been so many changes around me and within me, I still don't know to grasp them all. I'm not feeling like all my hard work is paying off. I have been such a grateful person, such a good person. Moralistically, to everyone else. For my well being. Yet my life is like this. No matter how hard I work to pursue my dreams they still seem so far away. I wanna be that one kid that perseveres although all the odds are stacked against her but I do not know if that's me. Bad things upon bad things keep happening, and I'm losing faith. I'm the only one who has it in me, except for a few others. And I love them for that. Thanks Co for believing in me and letting me know that i'm not insane for wanting to speak out and for wanting to verbalize how i am feeling. Thanks for admiring my passion, saying that it is beautiful and i am talented. You do not understand how much it means to me. I am always so scared to speak out and show people how beautiful I am, but I shouldn't be. And thanks Bre, for giving me advice and letting me no in little to no words that I am a special person, very unique. I try to be kind hearted with the little heart I have left. I cant even listen to love songs anymore and react the same way. The dream of being swept off my feet does not seem so accurate anymore. Love disgusts me and intrigues me at the same time. At the moment, it disgusts me more than ever. I try to be so strong, I try to be so nice and just so that every blessing that comes my way will be completely and utterly earned. yea, im so not feeling it anymore. People making me feel like an ass, for standing up for myself. speakin for myself. yea, right. Im not going to stop doing it. I say "ill just be alone" but God knows I dont wanna be. God knows I dont wanna be. Instead, if turned into this hardcore, wired gated up, ticking time bomb, living in the moment the wrong way, reckless, nervous, stressed-out, unsure wreck. The exact person, I DONT want to be. But it's saving my inner peace. It's keeping the Leah I am inside, away from all intruders. I feel like I have just stepped into adulthood, where everything is hard. And every treasured relationship is difficult even though it shouldnt be. If people just fessed up to their wrongs and tried to make things right. But it's too hard right, my composures all messed up. I try to smile...to captivate someones heart that I get the butterflies with...but the smile is never genuine. So how will he see the inner Leah inside? the one with the light in her eyes and the smile that never fades? I dont know things anymore, i just know how I feel. And I hate feeling like things just arent right. I just havent been right, for a while.

Day3 - So I forgot lol...

I was so busy !

Kinda out of it right now but I shall be posting today's blog later tonight.

PEACE.

Day2 - HAHAHA .

I WASSSS gonna do a video but I look a complete and utter mess. SO ! This is my thinking. Ima start living it up now, try not to be too reckless. Apparently overly caring for people isnt working so Im back into my partially selfish mode. I aint depending on nobody for nothing, I aint tryna make plans with nobody unless they tryna make plans with me. Ima do me all day everyday.

The only ish on myy agenda shall be:

me

me

me

Zumba

Work

me

School

me

Try not to go broke LOL

me

me

Fashion

ME!

School

Working out

Zumba

My hair

ME

ME

Relaxation &&&&

ME!!!!

<3

I'm only 19 and still got so much ahead of me so why so serious ??

Day1

Kinda just explaining. nothing in particular.

i need a friend .

I need someone there through thick and thin. Someone who isnt going to flake on me when things get REALLY REAL. Tired of being unsure. I cant say it enough. So I bask in writing and words and education. Sometimes I wanna write to somebody or talk to somebody or educate somebody. Help them out and hope that they would want to do the same. I'll figure things out, ill be okay. Ill be okay.

Vlog !

So I checked into a hotel .

I have a p.e class this weekend and instead of driving back and forth, might as well stay there. Its a REALLY nice hotel too. Lotta stress going on as well in my house and just in general, needa get my mind right. Hurt my wallet but its worth it lol. Write some poetry, listen to some music. Read, catch up on homework. All in the presence of myself, my best friend. I'm gonna design my fundraiser posters too, tie some loose ends on that as well. Me time, time that no one delegates especially for me. Gotta do it for me. May do a video then, if not. I will certainly blog about it.

Dreams

I have many dreams like Dr.King.
I contemplate on things that seem too far to tackle.
But this battle in the long run is won.
You see in my heart, resides God.
Propelling me he dwells in me so i'm drastically QUEEN.
I do things bossly it may be costly but itll pay off see because within me,
I have many dreams like Dr.King.
Life is unpredictable and i'm just the same.
My dreams change like seasons effects; snow && rainn.
&& no they dont deplete. I just hit pause and repeat.
Adding to my list of things that make me, beautiful.
Love pours from every pore, crevice, nook and cranny of my soul.
Through musical notes, On processed trees that I wrote,
Through my fingers to my toes that touch my pillows
Which cradle my head safe as I drift away to dream those sweet little things,
I have many dreams like Dr.King.
I would make him so proud if he could see me now,
I have every reason to broke down sobbing uncontrollably as I hit the ground.
I stand tall with those dreams on my back, faithless no, i never lack.
Like God carrying his cross, you would think him red from his blood-stained flesh
The smell of his death growing oh so freshh.
We are all living to die with death right by our side so why reside and lies and be afraid to be crucified?
NO ! WHY ? because..
I have many dreams like Dr.King.
I will shine in the darkest room and with my life in pause, i will presume.
I'm telling you, I will not loose.
In the darkest hour in the most silent of nights.
I will prevail like an eggshell missed by the vipers bite.
Surrounded by foxes as sly as theyll be
Potential reigns in me but evoked by such superficiality
Im blinded and I need to be guided, by someone 10x's stronger than me, because see..
I have many dreams like Dr.King.
And I can make them come true,
Im driven and I listenn and so damn passionate.
These fakers laughin at it but let's see who is laughin when im at the top..
living life so hott, no longer dreaminng. But living my dream.
Making Mr.King proud, that I dreamed no matter how mediocre they sounded to others,
regardless of the bashes and the dreams that they smothered.
&& I didnt suppress them, I progressed them .
&& I will live them and breathe emm .
All I know is..
I have many dreams like Dr.King.


-larose.

Alex's Lemonade Stand Fundraiser

HEY EVERY0NE ! I AM H0STING A LEM0NADE STAND IN 0RDER T0 RAISE M0NEY FOR PEDIATRIC CANCER 0N JULY 5TH BY THE SUGARMILL POOL ♥ C0ME OUT AND SHOW YOUR SUPPORT && PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD ♥ !


I am hosting a lemonade stand to raise money to help find a cure for pediatric cancer. On July 5th 2010, I will be setting this up by the Sugarmill Pool right outside the park area. I am inspired to do this because it always warms my heart to do something like this for another person! Also, my aunt Rosalind has overcome breast cancer so I feel even more dedicated to doing this fundraiser! Any donations or assistance with this project will be highly appreciated :) Thanks !

Will you be mine? =D

Yes nadi, I DO ! :) hahaha. yu so silly .

Ask me anything

what is your ideal guy?

Good question. My ideal guy is an honest compassionate MAN. He has to be confident in his abilities and a man of his word. Respectful and respectable. The basic things too like trustworthy and romantic at times, Considerate. The icing on the cake is a meannnnn swaggg. Idc what it may be. You can be a skater, singer, rapper, musician it doesnt matter. Just bee sick with it ! <3

Ask me anything

Are you a virgin?

lol @ these anonymous questions. Come on you guyss && be bold . But yes I am :) and proud of it !

Ask me anything

Who are your girls?

My "girls" are women who dont take crap from anyone. If they see a problem they fix it, they dont whine! If they got a problem, they dont wait until the next day to address it. A person that can handle her own basically, and knows how to be a friend ! Whoever that is, is my girl !

Ask me anything

A little more about me .

Yoga Meltdown - Jillian Michaels / Update

Poemmmm. Tiger.

I am consciously subliminal
Evoking responses in you to let me know if youre cynical.
Im the silent tiger
Ripping you to shreds when you thought I was dead, but im very much alive.
This halo takes me to and fro those dark places
Such a sweetheart deeds done undeservable and you hang me with my own yellow orb
Back from the dark I will smile blood trickling down my head and the concrete absorbs,
eager for my body to spill out the rest but see I do detest.
You lied to me, using me as your buddy in all actuality,
youre the enemy.
Lynching me with my purity, you just made me stronger.
No I do not complain I speak truth,
Bold enough to pour wisdom into reality, instead of ignoring this sad brutality,
and your just mad.
I will NOT apologize for being a beast at handling my own tribulations.
and no we cannot be friends, your kind is too weak for my obligations.
My mind has been miscontrued by the rants of the ones trusted.
Journeying back to this innocent mind; values and morals readjusted.
Free from the pain and the turmoil, allowed to be creative and just
encouraged to experience what I must.
You want to love, love.
You want to feel, feel.
You want to touch, touch.
But only for that one soul.
I shall not be as free for any bodys goal.
I am not a prize to be won, I am a soul to be mated.
An entity that isnt to be jaded.
And maybe I placed myself in those situations to be compromised but im a risk taker
Think whatever you suppose but I love my life, even through these nonpros.
In the twilight zone bungee jumping from my last piece of sanity,
Hoping itll bring me back to reality.
My body is racing against time && im fighting these guys with whom ive lusted.
and trusted.
No longer feeling
Protecting them way inside
where they reside, untouched from me or any other individual.
I lie. am I feeling you?
Maybe, who knows.
I'll just give in to my physical woes.
But no, that will only depreciate the value of me.
The person who Id vowed id give to the person whod love me thoroughly.
I'm in a war with a full armor cast around my body, unsure of whom i should strike,
but i'm tired of fighting. Anger, sadness, and restlessness fuel this passion.
But I know me I know whats internal and it's just jetting this inferno.
The flames casting an angry shadow but,
When I encounter the right circumstances, all the people that let me down will be fucked.
Im not talking about the hooker on the corner booty wobblin with each strut,
See the people that let me down wont be able to jump.
Theyll be allowed to sit sideways wondering what thee fuck is up?
You told me not to complain, so I didnt. I smiled :)
Just like thiss and I made it seem like we were surrounded in bliss.
But it wasnt, it was the fake bubble you like to live in.
But now you can reside in fakeness solo and thrive.
Because I am consciously subliminal.
The silent tiger you thought was dead, but is very much alive.


-larose.

My love line .

Seem like these topic is always being brought up when I'm telling people are guys specifically about me, so i'll talk about it. The reason I labeled this blogg "my love line" instead of my love life is because lol frankly, most of my relationships have been long distance online relationships.

Long distance relationship - you do anything and everything possible to talk or see each other even though your not right there.

Online relationship - you just typing. there aint no phone or anything.

So there is a difference and ima need people to open up their mind to this and NOT be ignorant. If you feel you are than you can vacate from my blog like...as soon as your mouse can click that X.

I started using the internet when I was like 12 years old, my dad let me have my first lil email lol. So that was back in 2003. I met my first .........cough...love when I was like 14 on teenspot.com and at first it was just like a friendship type thing but see me, I cant deny a cute ass dude showing me interest lol I meann I used to live where he stayed so I was like hey why not. lol He was the epitome of the bad boy I did not need. A latin king born in the Bronx deep into that lifestyle and he was also known as a supplier in Alexandria Va. Dont ask me what was wrong with me because I dunnn even knoww ! lol It was just so attractive to me and we was so compatible in other ways. I tried to meet up with him when I went on spring break in Norfolk (mind im like 15 so it aint like I can just go and do it) he ainn contact me whatsoever and when I was back in georgia he's gonna tell me that his car had broke down and all this other crap. And after that it was downhill from there and we just broke up. He was "back and forth in jail" but I dont know if I can believe that seemin that our whole relationship was a lie.

I got in touch with his cousin the other day and asked her if he was even real, because he did use fake pics in the beginning of the relationship but then fessed up and showed me the real him. And she told me he was and that he was in jail and gets out in about 2 years. I was like smh.

I mean I used to write this dudes letters and I bought him things that I was gonna give him in person but it never happened. and I held on to all that collateral until I got with this other dude...to show my committment to him and that I was gonna let my past go. I bought him a puerto rican jersey and everything. He told me he wanted me to wear it for him. People at school askin me if I was mixed smhhhh. lmao ! had me lookin like a fool man, but its whatever.

And I mean I dated around and stuff, caked up with different dudes but none were as significant as two guys that meant alot to me but still let me down TREMENDOUSLY.

The second guy lol i met when I was 17 when I was like look I needa get off teenspot I had been on there WAY too long and I think I got anger problems because of that site lol I was on there durin my like late middle school n high school years when I was goin thru alot and like people would talk shit and thats all u could do, talk shit ! so i would b pissed alot because i couldnt directly say shit to no one lmao. BUT YEAH.

I gave him my yahoo and i let him kno the deal, i wasnt really lookin for no one but he was very persistant just to talk to me. he was such a sweetheart and it didnt hurt that he was everything that I ever thought was sexy in a man...he was mixed race, eyes changed colors, tall, football player build...not like muscles out da eyeball just big enough for me and i was like woow.....you like me ? lol

It was REALLLL good for a while and then he got distant and mean and rude. He said that maybe pushin me away would make it easier but it just made things harder. so yeah that relationship went to hell too. hes obviously moved on because of his current decisions SMFH !!!! and if u wanna kno about that just hit me up, das too much info to b puttin in a blog.


most people think that ive never had a boyfriend ever but thats a lie.
and this isnt everything, theres more to my love life and more to me.
so yeah, sometimes i regret everything ive done. i feel like ive wasted my love.

but i was wanting to have love in a smalllllllllll town where i didnt even like anyone
so i looked for it.
so yeah, and at this time now i still dont even like anyone. so its hard. yeap.



-larose.

ask if u wanna kno more.

lol people

im noticing a pattern.
Ill make friends with someone and then introduce them to another friend of mine.
Then they hang out with each other more than me.
And whenever I get in an argument with the friend I knew longer over STUPID SHIT (or an altercation;; anything that causes friction) they both still hang out without me and dont try to talk to me or resolve the situation, like a friend would.

At the moment I dont care but dont invite me no where expecting me to just be chill. Das all I know. A GROWN ASS PERSON, would squash the fucking situation firsthand. Not wait until the shit not relevant and look at me like...da shit happened last week, why you still on it? BITCH BECAUSE YOU TOO PUSSY TO ADDRESS IT ! hell !!! lmfaooooo . omg, im just waitin on people to confront me, the days of leah holding her tongue HAVE BEEN OVER


:)

hadda say it

i feel like driving into oncoming traffic.
thats all thats in my mind right now.
i fuckin hate people, i really do.
tired of crying ALONE. tired of crying for people who dont givva FUCK.
so, after this tv show. ima drive.
go get some taco bell and fckn sit. sit in the quiet of no one bothering me.
no one to lie to me.
no one to be selfish,
just no one to dissapoint me, or break my heart.
before i do something stupid.

An Occasional listening ear. venting blog.

um i dont know how to delete this, i wrote some stuff but apparently it doesnt want to post so whatever. good fucking night.

Something I just realized.

I have anger issues. When I get really mad, theres no point of return && if pushed too far out of my control i might just do something detrimental. I see red and i be on flame. Thats all I know at that point and time. I see no reason I see no logic all I see is that this situation needs to be TAKEN CARE OF NOW & MY POINT WILL BE SEEN in every way possible. I shake, i cant talk right, I just dont wanna be bothered because I dont wanna disrespect someone who doesnt deserve it. I know im depressed, have been for a while. I dont know if there is a diagnosis for being angry till the point you cant see straight but im just tryna deal with it rationally and I dont wanna say on my own because eventually I do wanna get a psychologist or something. Just thought id put that out there. okay i just got THOROUGHLY distracted.
*************
I had shingles like.......a year ago i dun even remember it was a while back. (cant thnk right now) but I just was lookin at the scars it left and I think I see it commin back so ima leave this post and like clear my head. this is why, i cant stress. im not tryna fucking die................ !!!!!!!!



P.s. But all in all I am a good friend. I just dont take alot of shit from previous things I been through and if you cant fucking understand that then FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ! :) thank you.

Airing out so my wordss cann be fluent .

I've noticed that whenever I air out these thoughts in my head, the poems flow better. Lately I been just driving around my city at night, just to catch a cool breeze and chill with the music && to clear my head. Sometimes you gotta do things like that in order to keep your mind in check, make sure you aint buggin. I was thinking about the direction I'm going with my life and my certain predicaments. And I figured it's natural && normal even though it seems INSANE. I just need skrew my head on straight and see that this is life and its not the structured ass typical high school ass drama. There's gonna be random bouts of drama here and there with every new person that you meet. And if you expect it not to be that way or you see it that way, you fakin. Everyone gets disrespected, everyone has limits and you need to show new people you meet where they are. Some people just dont give a fuck. And you gotta let them you know you dont give a fuck either! I'm fuckin awesome thats all I know. And ill be damned if I let anybody come in my life and fuck up my mental. My dreams are my everyday and I do what I gotta go to reach them.

But um, me being the passionate, romantic, more conservative even though I put what Im about out there alot, christian woman that I am I wanna make sure I dont get wrapped up in....the needs that I can push further on down the road. For example, I just want people to care about really. I get tired of being a bitch to just protect myself I ain gon lie. I just want like a few people to just genuinely be nice to and know with my whole heart they got my back ride or die, you know? Even if its a guy that I like, or guy friends, or girl friends I just want someone whose gonna motivate me and keep me on the right track and not down me for feeling certain emotions or acting a certain way. And if im buggin just be like look, I know you feeling whatever kinda way but this is how it is. You aint gotta be like "DF IS WRONG WIT YOU!" because wtf kinda way is that to approach somebody if you tryna get them to talk to you? I know my ass wouldnt. I would just look at you like you fucking crazy.

Sometimes I gotta remember who I want myself to be, because sometimes I feel so far from myself and I let it encompass me and I gotta re-up on myself. I wanna be this sophisticated, natural, respectable beauty. Who is sure in her talents and herself && who will meet that special someone naturally. God will place him in my life when he feels that he needs to be there. I dont want to feel pressured to go flirt with a guy just because he's cute. He just might be a pretty face. And plus, I want to know that I can connect with dude on a mental and like friendly level first and scope out whether or not he would even feel a chic like me. And to see in the long run would he be good for the betterment of my life && help me discover my more intimate side and if we could grow together in that. Im just not tryna meet some freak ass dude, who wants to turn me out because ima virgin and he knows and I KNOW that theres a very sensual side to me. I dont need that shit. I feel like thats what most dudes I talk to thrive off of. Maybe Im sending the wrong signals being all wrapped up in these feelings I be feeling. That's why I need to check myself. Re-up on Leah Rose.

I'm gonna just work on my life and get myself together, work on this personal love for me and if friends come along, they come along. Im not gonna press it. Finish school, loose this weight, get my skin under control and pursue my dreams. God will handle the rest. :) This was liberating lol

-larose.

Reality took my virginity [flow with me with my poetry] !

You think you know who I am ?

But you have NO idea.

Try and figure me out and you'll just loose.

I'll purposely influence you with misguided clues.

I'm no puzzle that you just piece together,

I am a masterpiece, who is redefined regardless of the weather.

Life is my wear and tear and I say I don't care,

but no one dares to ask me..

Who are you ?

Instead they are subject to the ordinary,

Switching the H and the W are customary,

but can you handle the truth ?

On some days when asked can you handle a FUCK YOU ?

Because I can see straight through you, you don't care !

It's friendly, its nice, but please think twice.

You once were and now you've never been.

It's time to grow up, we graduated way back when.
I feel shameful, i'm still subject to the same shit,

When I told myself I wouldn't be like this,

get like this, or stress like this.

Looking in the mirror, I see potential and disgust.

Those two reside together infinitely in lust.

How could I be a virgin, fucking myself over ?

Stop listening to the world,

They don't cry tears for you late at night, you do !

Listening to love songs and dreaming motion pictures in your head.

Wondering when happiness and your life will meet at a dead end.

The heart of an angel that's been raped by reality,

You just can't be fucking nice to everybody.

But my hope and dreams are on my own personal life support.

Reminding myself I want to do better

and I'll never settle.

So here goes my love dream...

Baby, I saw you across the room, staring at me, staring at you,

and I was wondering,

Given this certain circumstance,

Where our eyes ignited this lustful chance,

and in my deepest thoughts, im undressing you with my eyes.

I've imagined me pulling your hair as you stroke deeply,

I've seen those eyes gazing into mine reflecting back the admiration exuding from my being.

Oh, and I've kissed those sexy lips...for the first time.

It was nothing short of a miracle.

I clutched your waist and wondered how your skin would feel on mine,

but time will only tell.

And I'm back, to reality.

That bitch that raped me!

So the next time you ask me how's life? How are you?

I'll reply simply and prohibitly, "I'm fucked, how are you?"

-Larose.

Curltopia in Atlanta Georgia

http://www.curltopia.com/

I'm trying to book an appointment there for May 14th, hopefully I get it. Trying to jumpstart me rockin my curls like a diva :D

LyricalRose wants to be born or begin her blossoming process...

Oh jeezmus. Camden County will only have to deal with me for about one more year than I am GONE ! Like dealing with the pure bullshit of this past month has propelled me even further even though like...my emotions have been whirling in my head till the point where I cant even decipher them;; all I know is that I was PISSED OFF ROYALLY. Like I was queen bitch for like 3 days && das not like me. People think that when they do little stupid immature shit and you blow up on they ass youre "overreacting". Maybe it's just I got other more relevant shit in my life I gotta worry about to have to sit here and have your ass BE STUPID . No thanks, if thats what you about take yo shit elsewhere and dont talk to me when you talking about your tired of being the way you are, or you want love, or youre tired of blah zay blah zay;; FUCK OUT MY FACE, I TRIED TO HELP YOUR ASS. I got goals, and expectations of my life and OF ME and im going to achieve them with or without dat ass ! das all i kno. Just had to many things rolling through my mind today to have people address me with stupidity. like fuck outta hea wit dat. go fuck with some high schoolers if you on THAT SHIT ! Runnin my blood pressure up;; shakinq && shit. smh @ dis cursery.

Buh like even before really all this anger got to me I was thinking about my ex. Because my friend told me he asked about me. smh. I kinda wish she aint tell me but I mean, I ain gon lie I was curious to if he even cared like if all that time was a lie or whatever. Like, I know dis whole situation is probably gonna hurt me more than I have ever known. But I havent gave it much thought because, I dont need that stress brakin me down right now and I feel like itll take me back to where I was in middle school. Wayyyy beyond depression. Like Middle School was some devastating shit.

Like, I just cant get it in my mind that he has a fiance and like...a baby on the way. So fast. After we was like just fancying that topic ourselfs. Its like oops, nvm lets give this dream to my new fiance that just fell out the sky. Idk, I dont care to know how they met blah blah. If he cheated blah blah. Cause thats the shit that will really get me like deeply depressed. Thought that God finally sent me someone to understand and like...just be there. We didnt even have to be together, I said that so many times.......but things dont work out the way you plan. I always wanna be hopeful keep pushin and keep riskin things to be in love and find that one. But I just cant do that right now even though I CRAVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE it so badly. I just wanna love someone so bad thats gonna reciprocate it. Like cheat on me, okay I see you dont wanna be with me. We will break up. But really go and get her pregnant and give her a ring and shit like.....that just LOL is ridiculous. break my heart. put it in a shredder and dispose of it in a volcano. That might hurt less for a girl like me.

But even though my emotions are getting the best of me and my head is still a whirlwind, ima try and stay true to the pen and to paper. And still express myself because I love how words sound when they come from my heart.

bleh.

-larose

Depression….

Is a bitch. Must be a fcking female. Tis all.

Love.

I'm a different kind of girl. No guy has to worry about me being unfaithful or playing games with his heart. I've been hurt time and time again and the feeling isn't great at all.

I want someone to hold me while we watch movies and just chill and talk, truly appreciating each other. I want to notice things about him that no one else notices. Go out on walks and stuff, bleh. I try not to complain too much because I will be moving in like a year and I will have a chance to stop being so down and out. I want to be happier when I meet that special someone. And secure as well.

I have the world to offer him I just hope he will want to offer it back to me. Yeah I am a bit banged up from exes and just relationships turned sour; I just hope he's a patient man lol. My heart is full of passion and drive for love, for what I love as far as my hobbies and my career choice. If I believe in something I am going to back it to the fullest. Everyone needs someone to be vulnerable with and that's what I want, it will make me stronger. I don't want to expose my vulnerabilities to those who don't deserve it, so that's why I need him J God will bless me though. I try so hard to be in his way. Warms me heart, I'll be honest though. It does hurt when people want to misconstrue my kindness but I know who to be nice to so its okay.

 

Igh im out.

Larose.

Oh okay this is new !

I'm using my Microsoft word account to post blogs, Im just testing this out to see how it works!

I'm going to try and post more blogs because I will admit I have been slacking off with a lot of things !

(As of right now I should be doing my literature paper but I was distracted by this, haha).

-Larose

:(....

i feel like ima lie to everyone else, but im the truth to me.
i love someone with all of me then they leave, cursing me on there way out.
is this is what life is always supposed to be? .......................................

Who do you like?

This is a broad question silly;; be specific :)

Ask me anything

Let's get serious .

I just deactivated my facebook account, it was getting a bit too much for me. Going on there when I really need to be doing homework & just to sit their and feel inadequate about my life compared to others. And just to have people snoop on my life. No thanks.

This depression is takinq its toll on me seriously. I dont go see a doctor or really talk to anyone about it because no one has time or even wants to listen to it. I feel like because of my circumstances people arent drawn to be friends with me and thats all I want. I want my mind to be free of all these worries so I can crawl out of this deep hole im in. sigh.

Im so close to loosing my job because Im just not motivated anymore and I really need my job, I have to keep making money. Just very very defeated. Tired of making people mad because "all i do is complain". I dont even know what to say or do anymore because ugh, i dont know. Im just so tired....

Almost every person that I cared for the most left me and dont wanna talk to me anymore. am i really that bad? :( God I need you so bad, my life is spiralling out of control, im tryna help it but I cant :(

A letter to my future lover.

Hey lover,

Here I stand, unchanged even though the world wanted me to. I washed away my flaws as best as I could for me and you. For me, so I could appreciate myself to the fullest extent and for you, so I could love you with every centimeter of me. I would love for you to notice the little things about me, you know the things that matter most. I want you to notice when I become uneasy and ask me why, explore my mentality before you crave too strongly for physicality. It will enhance the passion, trust me. I want every time we meet as one to feel like the rays beaming onto your body under the sun. I want the heat to soothe and spread over your body & take you into a silent state of mind. Where the waves crash at your toes and your breathing is in sync with mine. I want to know you for you, I want to ease the pain and try to wash it completely away. I want to make ur lips quiver when I stare deep into your eyes, examining your soul for anything I can help make right, because I love you. And I treasure your very existance. Because you were made just for me, and me only. You appreciate me when Im mad because I am taking a stand, you appreciate when Im sad because that makes you love me more, because I feel. I feel for everything and I feel for you, indefinitely. And when something strikes a nerve in me to wear im sobbing uncontrollably and you dont understand, just hold me close and tell me everything is okay. Dont let the world crush me in my weakest moments because you know how strong I can be. Allow me to rebuild myself back up again and then let me stand on my own two feet. All the hurt and rejection ive endured and became stronger from because I want to be your beautiful, strong black haitian queen. I carry the burdens of my ancestors on my back alongside mine but at night time when its just me and you...I will lay them down, just to be next to you. Make love to my mind and my soul and my spirit, fueling my fire. So in the morning, Ill be stronger. Strong enough that the pain doesnt phase me anymore. I found love, and I can live my life without any second guesses. My love, ill always be yours.

G.I. Jane

He fell in love with the qirl who fell in love with herself.
The way she shined as she walked, strutting her beauty,
Never did she question herself or restrain from her duty.
On the dance floor her body grooved to her own rhythm
She didnt need anyone to validate her originality.
Mami knew she was sick, deeper than her physicality.
Shutting down dudes who lusted after her body
Because she knew that would only lead to her downfall.
See guys want it all.
This girl is deep.
Not deep like an ocean deep more like an abyss.
Like A hole where you cant predict anything, always surprises.
She holds her head high, needing love rejecting anything less.
Crying at night when the world has let her down.
But God ive worked so hard to skid this bottom ground.
Her barriers cave in, in the presence of no one,
But are built back up with metal, barbed wires and all at sunrise.
Praying for someone to experience her vulnerability one day.
To lay beside her, saying that everything is okay.
Lie to me beautifully, Im strong enough.
Just care enough to lie to me, when the going gets rough.
Baby, I can make it on my own, believe that.
But my heart is beating slowly, adrenaline, a NEED for life is what I lack.
I love me, I love who I am.
But I need someone to share me with, someone whose passion I can withstand.
He looks at her, speechless. Glossy eyed.
Not believing that a girl so pure, so true is standing there, tears in her eyes.
She walked away, crying. Yet head held high, with no regrets.
The next day he knew for sure, she had to be heaven sent.
A girl who fought for herself everyday just to find someone for her own.
My G.I Jane in green so strong and mean, viscious...
Every sunrise I thank God for my queen && I adorn her with all my kisses.


I kinda switched up the Points of view, but its the way it came in my head, lol SORRY :]



-Larose.

formspring.me

Did you know Bri is actually a leprechaun?

lmao oh yes yes. But dont let her know that shhh!!

Ask me anything

formspring.me

What was your worst travel experience?

Going back to Norfolk for spring break while being sick.

Ask me anything

BREAKING POINT.

i need church or something. Im overwhelmed and no one wants to deal with my depression bc they got their shit goin on and they are just not that interested. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? im passssssssssssssssssssttttttttttttttt frustrated and im bout to just do stupid shit to amuse myself. sounds good to me :)

My new youtube channel with my qirl BEBE !

so everyone should definitely subscribe to Brialeahhs new youtube channel, destined to be the best :) [Brianna and yours truly Vlogg channel :]