Day 4 - Deep emotions, how i been feeling .

There has been so many changes around me and within me, I still don't know to grasp them all. I'm not feeling like all my hard work is paying off. I have been such a grateful person, such a good person. Moralistically, to everyone else. For my well being. Yet my life is like this. No matter how hard I work to pursue my dreams they still seem so far away. I wanna be that one kid that perseveres although all the odds are stacked against her but I do not know if that's me. Bad things upon bad things keep happening, and I'm losing faith. I'm the only one who has it in me, except for a few others. And I love them for that. Thanks Co for believing in me and letting me know that i'm not insane for wanting to speak out and for wanting to verbalize how i am feeling. Thanks for admiring my passion, saying that it is beautiful and i am talented. You do not understand how much it means to me. I am always so scared to speak out and show people how beautiful I am, but I shouldn't be. And thanks Bre, for giving me advice and letting me no in little to no words that I am a special person, very unique. I try to be kind hearted with the little heart I have left. I cant even listen to love songs anymore and react the same way. The dream of being swept off my feet does not seem so accurate anymore. Love disgusts me and intrigues me at the same time. At the moment, it disgusts me more than ever. I try to be so strong, I try to be so nice and just so that every blessing that comes my way will be completely and utterly earned. yea, im so not feeling it anymore. People making me feel like an ass, for standing up for myself. speakin for myself. yea, right. Im not going to stop doing it. I say "ill just be alone" but God knows I dont wanna be. God knows I dont wanna be. Instead, if turned into this hardcore, wired gated up, ticking time bomb, living in the moment the wrong way, reckless, nervous, stressed-out, unsure wreck. The exact person, I DONT want to be. But it's saving my inner peace. It's keeping the Leah I am inside, away from all intruders. I feel like I have just stepped into adulthood, where everything is hard. And every treasured relationship is difficult even though it shouldnt be. If people just fessed up to their wrongs and tried to make things right. But it's too hard right, my composures all messed up. I try to smile...to captivate someones heart that I get the butterflies with...but the smile is never genuine. So how will he see the inner Leah inside? the one with the light in her eyes and the smile that never fades? I dont know things anymore, i just know how I feel. And I hate feeling like things just arent right. I just havent been right, for a while.