Dear, my sweet inspiration ....

April 27th 2011 .

You remind me of who I am supposed to be.
You bring me back to the day when I was 15, and life was easy.
Your presence has allowed me to see how far I have strayed from who I really am.
I may not know for sure who I am but I feel content and safe.
I aspire to be someone who inspire and loves others.
But I also want the excitement and power of a life without limits,
to feel and love as I deserve.

I'm not conniving or intentionally manipulative.
If a person is always positive and doing for others, why don't they deserve something special.

I don't know, but he made me feel. And I'm so glad for that.
I dream of they day when we can be together and if that never happens.

Just thank you, thank you for ...... resuscitating me.

this was on my facebook but i moved it

I'm not trying to write a poem or a song. I just need to talk...write...whatever you wanna call it. I been thinking alot lately...(surprise?) and I used to be a lively, beautiful, outgoing, not gonna let the world get me down, type of person. At this point...I lol just wanna give up so bad. Why try so hard when you always comming up short? Hope. That's why. I been running on E for a while now. But hope is keeping me trucking along with this fake ass smile painted on my face. Society don't want you have mental breakdowns throughout the day so you paint that smile on your face so everybody wont have a problem talking to you but when you get real on they ass you saying too much. So keep that fake ass smile painted for the rest of your life and die of some stress related disease later down the road.....we all gotta die right ? Smh, bullshit. My thing is...yeah I got lots of hope....I got this smile painted...hell i'm almost convincing myself....say you get what you want...you in the career, you snag the person you want, you get these down ass friends that will always have your back. There's always this doubt in my mind....these people don't know who I am or what I been through. Once they see all this pain and hurt and how I cry ALL THE DAMN TIME, they gon be like wtf where did this come from and dip. And ima be as down as I was before. Then I'm just not caring no more. I aint gon try no more....but I always end up doing it again...just trying to find my spot in life. I'm sorry my life isn't as.....carefree and easy as others.....it's pretty complicated.

lol its funny. I remember how....vibrant I was before become that confident girl I should have been...but when opportunities present themselves in front of me....this...broken down damaged girl comes out of no where and slaps me and says "What the fck are you thinking? You aint that bomb, seriously." And lol it's done. I revert back to who I am right now....unsure. scared. but striving. why strive if i'ma always be scared though. SMH. I always talk, I always try to tell people how I feel but sometimes I get tired of talking. People always want me to explain...DO YOU NOT SE ETHE 0132109321932019302190390 NOTES AND BLOGS I WRITE ? smh.

I try to be this good girl and I barely get any pleasure out of anything. I get utility from being so nice to people that deserve it but where is my.....good feeling? He sees that I need to smile genuinely sometimes. LOL. When I lay my head down on my pillow....i plug in my ear fones....envision musical notes in the darkness and I smile. The melodies sooth my soul and provoke tears to wash away the paint of happiness off my face to reveal what's really there. Distress. I hug my pillow and curl up and feel the softness of my skin and drift off. I'n the morning....i rinse the traces of those tears away and paint another happy picture on my face for the world to see.....they always believe it.


Who knows, maybe I am confident.
Maybe I am happy.
Or maybe it's the opposite.
I don't trust anyone I don't love and all I love is me.
And you can't have no opinion on me if you don't know me or love me.
So there's no second opinion.
I'll stick to being confused for now. Unless anyone wants to figure me out. But I doubt that.


Music time.


ps. i would go back and edit this to make it make sense but frankly i dont care :] . i think i may just copy this to my blog. i dont feel like people asking me dumb questions in relation to this. yup.

I wanna be..

I want to be that girl he can't live without.
I want to be that girl he would rather cuddle up and talk to than to be fixed upon only a physical relationship.

I just want someone to look into my soul....caress my spirit.
I'd feel so at home.


I want my own love story for once.....I wanna be loved the right way....

The Hip Hop Kid .

I remember living in Virginia, kids always outside, music blasting, skipping double dutch outside with my girls just living life not caring. Now the world is just filled with lost dreams, sex, sin, and negativity. Every now and then there is a beacon of light from a few people that have never and never will loose hope and anything they believe in.

I remember my dad letting me listen to hip hop songs not caring whether or not they had cuss words in them because they had a positive message, unlike my mom. With the first curse word she's turning the song off. But me and my dad, we just vibed, and I loved it. Growing up when people couldnt ease my fears I turned my speakers up and just drowned everything out. Hip Hop encompasses love so it became my drug. Love made me feel at home, it made me feel okay.

I gave that to all the wrong people...they didnt understand how my love grew and where it came from. Like I have said before, I want that love that hip hop makes you feel. It...captures your soul, heart, mind, body, and spirit and takes you to a whole other dimension.

I wanna inspire people the way that hip hop does. The words just encompass your body and takes you so high to a beautiful place to where all you can do is cry...and be amazed at how it makes you feel.... that's what it does to me.

I feel like i'm so gone from that feeling and it hurts me....that's why all I really listen to is hip hop because I want that feeling to stay with me. I will forever rock a Tribe Called Quest. FOREVER.

Hip Hop fills me with hope..I know things are going wrong in the world and I try not to ignore it, I know our time is comming short. Things are going wrong. But I always wanted my dream and I'm not giving up on it....say i'm blind to the truth but hey, its keeping me from breaking down every day. Dying a virgin no longer bothers me anymore...i'm not giving my body to no one I do not love...and all I love right now is hip hop. Hip hop has been there for me from the very beginning THROUGH EVERYTHING. I cried to you and I will NEVER let you go. You can have my body and make love to me as long as you will have me.


I love you. Come back to me, please .

hmmm..

i dont think i'm that....intimidating.
just talk to me, i promise i don't bite lol maybe just a lil bit ;]

the Daydreaming stage .

I don't know what to think right now lol but what I do know, he is fcking amazing.
I have never met any human being who challenges ideas or who is as intelligent than him.
He actually thinks, and contemplates and is VERY sure of himself, and I love it.
He's respectable and has so many ideas of his own that not even I would think of.
Talking to him is like Brain sex, I don't need intercourse because he stimulates me mentally.
If I had him by my side until I died and I never sex, I'd be okay dying a virgin, just saying. When he says things, he makes me feel again...whether it be happiness or shock...I just feel. I havent felt in a while. So most of the time I'm just in awe of him. Don't think I deserve him, so I don't approach him on that level, he deserves someone more than a queen and I don't wanna approach him on some groupie type shit, I want it to be perfect, but I really feel time is limited....so what do I do?

It's time to buckle down it handle it on my end, If I feel confident in this shit it's time to go after what I want no excuses...and If I can't do that it'll all be on me.

Everything about him makes my body quiver. but who says he'll even like me. There I go daydreaming, what I do best. I'll just listen to love songs and give this shit a rest, place him in the picture and fall into a deep sleep. I don't wanna make up something that will never be. But I'll keep him as my motivation because if he ever were mine.....i don't even know....he's too perfect for me..... sigh....

Leah Ashley Who ?

I try to be patient and not anticipate your arrival,
One day i'm high on life and the next i'm suicidal.
The only drug I need is what you provide,
Your special touch would be the ultimate override.
But instead these fakers, manipulators, they plague my life,
I'm confused, misconstrued, tired of these simple, basic dudes.
I'm exhausted of the sleepless, lonely nights tossing and turning,
I'm learning that I have to fall in love with me and solely me.
So that he, can appreciate my beauty.
Life seems to be cutting short and spiritually I am being called,
And to be gone before I have ever been loved, I am seriously appalled.
I'd miss his kiss and the bliss from the warm and supple touch of his lips,
The caress and the sex that sends my spirit outside my body for a couple of seconds.
But I feel so far from that...
because I won't just fall in love with anyone.
So am I destined to fall in love with me?
Or am I destined to live out MY dream?
The future is unknown and quite honestly i'm scared,
but I'm sure and secure knowing my love will always be out there,
I'm Ready.


3-22-11 <3.

P.S. I love this poem. And another thought, I'm trying to get back into my old stress relievers because I really do miss them (singing and writing) Especially singing though. There's something about expressing an emotion through a melody that is so beautiful to me, so yeah :]

attracting good men .

how am i supposed to attract a good, quality man for me, who fuels my soul and fills me with so much passion in the run down damage state that I am in?
Like who da fck is gonna be attracted to an utter and hot mess ????
i'm just saying, i dress cute and all that shit but I know sometimes I just dont be givin A FUHHH ! If I feel like shit most likely i'm not gonna dress up, that's just how it is. idk, maybe i'll bump into someone who sees that i'm trying for something that I deserve and will see behind all this pain and front that I be putting up. Yeah, let's hope.

hmmm

hoping for a miracle ....

loner.

i have never felt as alone as I do now.
I have trust issues out the ass so I dont know if I will ever have somebody to be by my side.
I dont wanna have anything to do with scheming ass muthafxckas straight up.
So if I gotta be alone and sad at night, so be it.

Just cant do it lol.
I dont even feel like me anymore, so yeah. the less interactions with people the less ill feel like im sending out the wrong impression.


i always gotta try for people but its time for people to try for me.