Poemmmm. Tiger.

I am consciously subliminal
Evoking responses in you to let me know if youre cynical.
Im the silent tiger
Ripping you to shreds when you thought I was dead, but im very much alive.
This halo takes me to and fro those dark places
Such a sweetheart deeds done undeservable and you hang me with my own yellow orb
Back from the dark I will smile blood trickling down my head and the concrete absorbs,
eager for my body to spill out the rest but see I do detest.
You lied to me, using me as your buddy in all actuality,
youre the enemy.
Lynching me with my purity, you just made me stronger.
No I do not complain I speak truth,
Bold enough to pour wisdom into reality, instead of ignoring this sad brutality,
and your just mad.
I will NOT apologize for being a beast at handling my own tribulations.
and no we cannot be friends, your kind is too weak for my obligations.
My mind has been miscontrued by the rants of the ones trusted.
Journeying back to this innocent mind; values and morals readjusted.
Free from the pain and the turmoil, allowed to be creative and just
encouraged to experience what I must.
You want to love, love.
You want to feel, feel.
You want to touch, touch.
But only for that one soul.
I shall not be as free for any bodys goal.
I am not a prize to be won, I am a soul to be mated.
An entity that isnt to be jaded.
And maybe I placed myself in those situations to be compromised but im a risk taker
Think whatever you suppose but I love my life, even through these nonpros.
In the twilight zone bungee jumping from my last piece of sanity,
Hoping itll bring me back to reality.
My body is racing against time && im fighting these guys with whom ive lusted.
and trusted.
No longer feeling
Protecting them way inside
where they reside, untouched from me or any other individual.
I lie. am I feeling you?
Maybe, who knows.
I'll just give in to my physical woes.
But no, that will only depreciate the value of me.
The person who Id vowed id give to the person whod love me thoroughly.
I'm in a war with a full armor cast around my body, unsure of whom i should strike,
but i'm tired of fighting. Anger, sadness, and restlessness fuel this passion.
But I know me I know whats internal and it's just jetting this inferno.
The flames casting an angry shadow but,
When I encounter the right circumstances, all the people that let me down will be fucked.
Im not talking about the hooker on the corner booty wobblin with each strut,
See the people that let me down wont be able to jump.
Theyll be allowed to sit sideways wondering what thee fuck is up?
You told me not to complain, so I didnt. I smiled :)
Just like thiss and I made it seem like we were surrounded in bliss.
But it wasnt, it was the fake bubble you like to live in.
But now you can reside in fakeness solo and thrive.
Because I am consciously subliminal.
The silent tiger you thought was dead, but is very much alive.


-larose.

My love line .

Seem like these topic is always being brought up when I'm telling people are guys specifically about me, so i'll talk about it. The reason I labeled this blogg "my love line" instead of my love life is because lol frankly, most of my relationships have been long distance online relationships.

Long distance relationship - you do anything and everything possible to talk or see each other even though your not right there.

Online relationship - you just typing. there aint no phone or anything.

So there is a difference and ima need people to open up their mind to this and NOT be ignorant. If you feel you are than you can vacate from my blog like...as soon as your mouse can click that X.

I started using the internet when I was like 12 years old, my dad let me have my first lil email lol. So that was back in 2003. I met my first .........cough...love when I was like 14 on teenspot.com and at first it was just like a friendship type thing but see me, I cant deny a cute ass dude showing me interest lol I meann I used to live where he stayed so I was like hey why not. lol He was the epitome of the bad boy I did not need. A latin king born in the Bronx deep into that lifestyle and he was also known as a supplier in Alexandria Va. Dont ask me what was wrong with me because I dunnn even knoww ! lol It was just so attractive to me and we was so compatible in other ways. I tried to meet up with him when I went on spring break in Norfolk (mind im like 15 so it aint like I can just go and do it) he ainn contact me whatsoever and when I was back in georgia he's gonna tell me that his car had broke down and all this other crap. And after that it was downhill from there and we just broke up. He was "back and forth in jail" but I dont know if I can believe that seemin that our whole relationship was a lie.

I got in touch with his cousin the other day and asked her if he was even real, because he did use fake pics in the beginning of the relationship but then fessed up and showed me the real him. And she told me he was and that he was in jail and gets out in about 2 years. I was like smh.

I mean I used to write this dudes letters and I bought him things that I was gonna give him in person but it never happened. and I held on to all that collateral until I got with this other dude...to show my committment to him and that I was gonna let my past go. I bought him a puerto rican jersey and everything. He told me he wanted me to wear it for him. People at school askin me if I was mixed smhhhh. lmao ! had me lookin like a fool man, but its whatever.

And I mean I dated around and stuff, caked up with different dudes but none were as significant as two guys that meant alot to me but still let me down TREMENDOUSLY.

The second guy lol i met when I was 17 when I was like look I needa get off teenspot I had been on there WAY too long and I think I got anger problems because of that site lol I was on there durin my like late middle school n high school years when I was goin thru alot and like people would talk shit and thats all u could do, talk shit ! so i would b pissed alot because i couldnt directly say shit to no one lmao. BUT YEAH.

I gave him my yahoo and i let him kno the deal, i wasnt really lookin for no one but he was very persistant just to talk to me. he was such a sweetheart and it didnt hurt that he was everything that I ever thought was sexy in a man...he was mixed race, eyes changed colors, tall, football player build...not like muscles out da eyeball just big enough for me and i was like woow.....you like me ? lol

It was REALLLL good for a while and then he got distant and mean and rude. He said that maybe pushin me away would make it easier but it just made things harder. so yeah that relationship went to hell too. hes obviously moved on because of his current decisions SMFH !!!! and if u wanna kno about that just hit me up, das too much info to b puttin in a blog.


most people think that ive never had a boyfriend ever but thats a lie.
and this isnt everything, theres more to my love life and more to me.
so yeah, sometimes i regret everything ive done. i feel like ive wasted my love.

but i was wanting to have love in a smalllllllllll town where i didnt even like anyone
so i looked for it.
so yeah, and at this time now i still dont even like anyone. so its hard. yeap.



-larose.

ask if u wanna kno more.

lol people

im noticing a pattern.
Ill make friends with someone and then introduce them to another friend of mine.
Then they hang out with each other more than me.
And whenever I get in an argument with the friend I knew longer over STUPID SHIT (or an altercation;; anything that causes friction) they both still hang out without me and dont try to talk to me or resolve the situation, like a friend would.

At the moment I dont care but dont invite me no where expecting me to just be chill. Das all I know. A GROWN ASS PERSON, would squash the fucking situation firsthand. Not wait until the shit not relevant and look at me like...da shit happened last week, why you still on it? BITCH BECAUSE YOU TOO PUSSY TO ADDRESS IT ! hell !!! lmfaooooo . omg, im just waitin on people to confront me, the days of leah holding her tongue HAVE BEEN OVER


:)

hadda say it

i feel like driving into oncoming traffic.
thats all thats in my mind right now.
i fuckin hate people, i really do.
tired of crying ALONE. tired of crying for people who dont givva FUCK.
so, after this tv show. ima drive.
go get some taco bell and fckn sit. sit in the quiet of no one bothering me.
no one to lie to me.
no one to be selfish,
just no one to dissapoint me, or break my heart.
before i do something stupid.

An Occasional listening ear. venting blog.

um i dont know how to delete this, i wrote some stuff but apparently it doesnt want to post so whatever. good fucking night.

Something I just realized.

I have anger issues. When I get really mad, theres no point of return && if pushed too far out of my control i might just do something detrimental. I see red and i be on flame. Thats all I know at that point and time. I see no reason I see no logic all I see is that this situation needs to be TAKEN CARE OF NOW & MY POINT WILL BE SEEN in every way possible. I shake, i cant talk right, I just dont wanna be bothered because I dont wanna disrespect someone who doesnt deserve it. I know im depressed, have been for a while. I dont know if there is a diagnosis for being angry till the point you cant see straight but im just tryna deal with it rationally and I dont wanna say on my own because eventually I do wanna get a psychologist or something. Just thought id put that out there. okay i just got THOROUGHLY distracted.
*************
I had shingles like.......a year ago i dun even remember it was a while back. (cant thnk right now) but I just was lookin at the scars it left and I think I see it commin back so ima leave this post and like clear my head. this is why, i cant stress. im not tryna fucking die................ !!!!!!!!



P.s. But all in all I am a good friend. I just dont take alot of shit from previous things I been through and if you cant fucking understand that then FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ! :) thank you.

Airing out so my wordss cann be fluent .

I've noticed that whenever I air out these thoughts in my head, the poems flow better. Lately I been just driving around my city at night, just to catch a cool breeze and chill with the music && to clear my head. Sometimes you gotta do things like that in order to keep your mind in check, make sure you aint buggin. I was thinking about the direction I'm going with my life and my certain predicaments. And I figured it's natural && normal even though it seems INSANE. I just need skrew my head on straight and see that this is life and its not the structured ass typical high school ass drama. There's gonna be random bouts of drama here and there with every new person that you meet. And if you expect it not to be that way or you see it that way, you fakin. Everyone gets disrespected, everyone has limits and you need to show new people you meet where they are. Some people just dont give a fuck. And you gotta let them you know you dont give a fuck either! I'm fuckin awesome thats all I know. And ill be damned if I let anybody come in my life and fuck up my mental. My dreams are my everyday and I do what I gotta go to reach them.

But um, me being the passionate, romantic, more conservative even though I put what Im about out there alot, christian woman that I am I wanna make sure I dont get wrapped up in....the needs that I can push further on down the road. For example, I just want people to care about really. I get tired of being a bitch to just protect myself I ain gon lie. I just want like a few people to just genuinely be nice to and know with my whole heart they got my back ride or die, you know? Even if its a guy that I like, or guy friends, or girl friends I just want someone whose gonna motivate me and keep me on the right track and not down me for feeling certain emotions or acting a certain way. And if im buggin just be like look, I know you feeling whatever kinda way but this is how it is. You aint gotta be like "DF IS WRONG WIT YOU!" because wtf kinda way is that to approach somebody if you tryna get them to talk to you? I know my ass wouldnt. I would just look at you like you fucking crazy.

Sometimes I gotta remember who I want myself to be, because sometimes I feel so far from myself and I let it encompass me and I gotta re-up on myself. I wanna be this sophisticated, natural, respectable beauty. Who is sure in her talents and herself && who will meet that special someone naturally. God will place him in my life when he feels that he needs to be there. I dont want to feel pressured to go flirt with a guy just because he's cute. He just might be a pretty face. And plus, I want to know that I can connect with dude on a mental and like friendly level first and scope out whether or not he would even feel a chic like me. And to see in the long run would he be good for the betterment of my life && help me discover my more intimate side and if we could grow together in that. Im just not tryna meet some freak ass dude, who wants to turn me out because ima virgin and he knows and I KNOW that theres a very sensual side to me. I dont need that shit. I feel like thats what most dudes I talk to thrive off of. Maybe Im sending the wrong signals being all wrapped up in these feelings I be feeling. That's why I need to check myself. Re-up on Leah Rose.

I'm gonna just work on my life and get myself together, work on this personal love for me and if friends come along, they come along. Im not gonna press it. Finish school, loose this weight, get my skin under control and pursue my dreams. God will handle the rest. :) This was liberating lol

-larose.

Reality took my virginity [flow with me with my poetry] !

You think you know who I am ?

But you have NO idea.

Try and figure me out and you'll just loose.

I'll purposely influence you with misguided clues.

I'm no puzzle that you just piece together,

I am a masterpiece, who is redefined regardless of the weather.

Life is my wear and tear and I say I don't care,

but no one dares to ask me..

Who are you ?

Instead they are subject to the ordinary,

Switching the H and the W are customary,

but can you handle the truth ?

On some days when asked can you handle a FUCK YOU ?

Because I can see straight through you, you don't care !

It's friendly, its nice, but please think twice.

You once were and now you've never been.

It's time to grow up, we graduated way back when.
I feel shameful, i'm still subject to the same shit,

When I told myself I wouldn't be like this,

get like this, or stress like this.

Looking in the mirror, I see potential and disgust.

Those two reside together infinitely in lust.

How could I be a virgin, fucking myself over ?

Stop listening to the world,

They don't cry tears for you late at night, you do !

Listening to love songs and dreaming motion pictures in your head.

Wondering when happiness and your life will meet at a dead end.

The heart of an angel that's been raped by reality,

You just can't be fucking nice to everybody.

But my hope and dreams are on my own personal life support.

Reminding myself I want to do better

and I'll never settle.

So here goes my love dream...

Baby, I saw you across the room, staring at me, staring at you,

and I was wondering,

Given this certain circumstance,

Where our eyes ignited this lustful chance,

and in my deepest thoughts, im undressing you with my eyes.

I've imagined me pulling your hair as you stroke deeply,

I've seen those eyes gazing into mine reflecting back the admiration exuding from my being.

Oh, and I've kissed those sexy lips...for the first time.

It was nothing short of a miracle.

I clutched your waist and wondered how your skin would feel on mine,

but time will only tell.

And I'm back, to reality.

That bitch that raped me!

So the next time you ask me how's life? How are you?

I'll reply simply and prohibitly, "I'm fucked, how are you?"

-Larose.

Curltopia in Atlanta Georgia

http://www.curltopia.com/

I'm trying to book an appointment there for May 14th, hopefully I get it. Trying to jumpstart me rockin my curls like a diva :D