The Chronicles of an Ebony Rose o01.

Preface

So i`m sitting here procrastinating pulling an 'all-nighter' with this homework assignment. I have my tumblr up, homework website, my blog site, and facebook up while listening to music. It`s kind of like I know I have to do it but my mind needs other types of stimulation right now. I don`t wanna be caught slipping so even though my mind is not on it, I know other people`s minds are and I wanna be better than that. Music keeps me remembering the Leah that is deep down inside that I miss so much. The Leah that has been pushed away because of the trauma I have endured that I have absolutely no control over. The Leah that knows love and has seen love and knows that in this day and age is gonna be so hard to find. The Leah that was strong and fought away bodily temptations and knows that one day she will be able to give her all to that one person that DESERVES HER and waited for her just like I waited for him. So sometimes I can`t just stop procrastinating, I need all these elements in my life...&& in the same respect...it puts me behind. Sometimes I wonder though is all this effort worth it, I have never seen someone put so much effort into everything she/he does and remain one hundred percent true to that. Sometimes I just think let it all go and just do simple things to make yourself happy Leah. You are so stressed out sometimes. Just stop and enjoy the breeze, and I do. But that would be discrediting my struggle and my struggle has made me who I am. So I would be discrediting myself. Can`t do that. So I keep grinding. I just keep grinding.

Absolutely everything.

I need a friend I can confide absolutely everything into no matter the time, hour, place. whatever. I dont feel like thats MUCH to ask for. I actually wanna have an absolute best friend. I know a best friend can be the one person to hurt u the most and when i feel like shit and they come at me with a im busy or im going thru shit too and go off on a rant about how they are feeling..... can u just take a step back and see I CAME TO YOU. YOU DIDNT COME TO ME. IM THE ONE NEEDING ADVICE. IM THE ONE NEEDING A LISTENING EAR. SHUT THE HEAVENLY FUCK UP AND LISTEN GOT MUTHERFUCKING DAMNNNN !!! ...kay im done. UUUUUUUUUGH.

wish i could be more positive...

but its hard to when ppl dont give two shits about u and ur supposed friends shit on ur life after u trust them a little bit. FML.

Well that was a kick in the ass .

Among lots of other events leading up to this and a comment from an anonymous person, I definitely got my goal in sight now. I`m always second guessing, always. But I think i`m entitled to that right, i been through a lot and so I get off track, A LOT. Currently I`m in college away from home living in a dorm with a roommate. A LOT HAS CHANGED. I will admit I am a little overwhelmed and I am still learning my limits as far as what I can and cannot do in order to not stress my body out and get sick again but hey, it`s my journey. I gotta go through it. I havent really been posting because I don`t get wifi all the way up to my room but now I am seeing how much venting really helps me and I need to continue to do this. Ima just say i`m try hard like HELL to keep my head up, it`s gonna be hard but I can do it. And I will use my talents to help me prevail in life and I will never second guess my beauty.....I can do this....

Upset.

Wanna know how I feel right now ?

I`m mad that throughout all my attempts at like fckin caring for people in general. Female friend. Guy friend. Or someone i like , it`s always a fckin FAIL. big ass fcking FAIL . and it`s like what do I do wrong ? I care for people, society and all that. Always had a heart of gold. && I get shitted on. Yeah I have my best friend , but she not here . She not here to take walks wit me or to drive wit me when I need like to de stress . So what the hell do I do every night ? either CRY , or watch lifetime movies and CRY .

I mean i`m going through so much alone . and everytime i get sick it`s because of stress but no one wants to be in my life or step up and be that friend or be that person in my life i love and i been trying for so long for that and i feel like it`s never gonna come. I don`t wanna die because i`m stressin out over being loved.

mask off, make-up off. time to face reality and to drown in my tears....ugh. goodnight.