An Occasional listening ear. venting blog.

um i dont know how to delete this, i wrote some stuff but apparently it doesnt want to post so whatever. good fucking night.

Something I just realized.

I have anger issues. When I get really mad, theres no point of return && if pushed too far out of my control i might just do something detrimental. I see red and i be on flame. Thats all I know at that point and time. I see no reason I see no logic all I see is that this situation needs to be TAKEN CARE OF NOW & MY POINT WILL BE SEEN in every way possible. I shake, i cant talk right, I just dont wanna be bothered because I dont wanna disrespect someone who doesnt deserve it. I know im depressed, have been for a while. I dont know if there is a diagnosis for being angry till the point you cant see straight but im just tryna deal with it rationally and I dont wanna say on my own because eventually I do wanna get a psychologist or something. Just thought id put that out there. okay i just got THOROUGHLY distracted.
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I had shingles like.......a year ago i dun even remember it was a while back. (cant thnk right now) but I just was lookin at the scars it left and I think I see it commin back so ima leave this post and like clear my head. this is why, i cant stress. im not tryna fucking die................ !!!!!!!!



P.s. But all in all I am a good friend. I just dont take alot of shit from previous things I been through and if you cant fucking understand that then FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ! :) thank you.

Airing out so my wordss cann be fluent .

I've noticed that whenever I air out these thoughts in my head, the poems flow better. Lately I been just driving around my city at night, just to catch a cool breeze and chill with the music && to clear my head. Sometimes you gotta do things like that in order to keep your mind in check, make sure you aint buggin. I was thinking about the direction I'm going with my life and my certain predicaments. And I figured it's natural && normal even though it seems INSANE. I just need skrew my head on straight and see that this is life and its not the structured ass typical high school ass drama. There's gonna be random bouts of drama here and there with every new person that you meet. And if you expect it not to be that way or you see it that way, you fakin. Everyone gets disrespected, everyone has limits and you need to show new people you meet where they are. Some people just dont give a fuck. And you gotta let them you know you dont give a fuck either! I'm fuckin awesome thats all I know. And ill be damned if I let anybody come in my life and fuck up my mental. My dreams are my everyday and I do what I gotta go to reach them.

But um, me being the passionate, romantic, more conservative even though I put what Im about out there alot, christian woman that I am I wanna make sure I dont get wrapped up in....the needs that I can push further on down the road. For example, I just want people to care about really. I get tired of being a bitch to just protect myself I ain gon lie. I just want like a few people to just genuinely be nice to and know with my whole heart they got my back ride or die, you know? Even if its a guy that I like, or guy friends, or girl friends I just want someone whose gonna motivate me and keep me on the right track and not down me for feeling certain emotions or acting a certain way. And if im buggin just be like look, I know you feeling whatever kinda way but this is how it is. You aint gotta be like "DF IS WRONG WIT YOU!" because wtf kinda way is that to approach somebody if you tryna get them to talk to you? I know my ass wouldnt. I would just look at you like you fucking crazy.

Sometimes I gotta remember who I want myself to be, because sometimes I feel so far from myself and I let it encompass me and I gotta re-up on myself. I wanna be this sophisticated, natural, respectable beauty. Who is sure in her talents and herself && who will meet that special someone naturally. God will place him in my life when he feels that he needs to be there. I dont want to feel pressured to go flirt with a guy just because he's cute. He just might be a pretty face. And plus, I want to know that I can connect with dude on a mental and like friendly level first and scope out whether or not he would even feel a chic like me. And to see in the long run would he be good for the betterment of my life && help me discover my more intimate side and if we could grow together in that. Im just not tryna meet some freak ass dude, who wants to turn me out because ima virgin and he knows and I KNOW that theres a very sensual side to me. I dont need that shit. I feel like thats what most dudes I talk to thrive off of. Maybe Im sending the wrong signals being all wrapped up in these feelings I be feeling. That's why I need to check myself. Re-up on Leah Rose.

I'm gonna just work on my life and get myself together, work on this personal love for me and if friends come along, they come along. Im not gonna press it. Finish school, loose this weight, get my skin under control and pursue my dreams. God will handle the rest. :) This was liberating lol

-larose.

Reality took my virginity [flow with me with my poetry] !

You think you know who I am ?

But you have NO idea.

Try and figure me out and you'll just loose.

I'll purposely influence you with misguided clues.

I'm no puzzle that you just piece together,

I am a masterpiece, who is redefined regardless of the weather.

Life is my wear and tear and I say I don't care,

but no one dares to ask me..

Who are you ?

Instead they are subject to the ordinary,

Switching the H and the W are customary,

but can you handle the truth ?

On some days when asked can you handle a FUCK YOU ?

Because I can see straight through you, you don't care !

It's friendly, its nice, but please think twice.

You once were and now you've never been.

It's time to grow up, we graduated way back when.
I feel shameful, i'm still subject to the same shit,

When I told myself I wouldn't be like this,

get like this, or stress like this.

Looking in the mirror, I see potential and disgust.

Those two reside together infinitely in lust.

How could I be a virgin, fucking myself over ?

Stop listening to the world,

They don't cry tears for you late at night, you do !

Listening to love songs and dreaming motion pictures in your head.

Wondering when happiness and your life will meet at a dead end.

The heart of an angel that's been raped by reality,

You just can't be fucking nice to everybody.

But my hope and dreams are on my own personal life support.

Reminding myself I want to do better

and I'll never settle.

So here goes my love dream...

Baby, I saw you across the room, staring at me, staring at you,

and I was wondering,

Given this certain circumstance,

Where our eyes ignited this lustful chance,

and in my deepest thoughts, im undressing you with my eyes.

I've imagined me pulling your hair as you stroke deeply,

I've seen those eyes gazing into mine reflecting back the admiration exuding from my being.

Oh, and I've kissed those sexy lips...for the first time.

It was nothing short of a miracle.

I clutched your waist and wondered how your skin would feel on mine,

but time will only tell.

And I'm back, to reality.

That bitch that raped me!

So the next time you ask me how's life? How are you?

I'll reply simply and prohibitly, "I'm fucked, how are you?"

-Larose.

Curltopia in Atlanta Georgia

http://www.curltopia.com/

I'm trying to book an appointment there for May 14th, hopefully I get it. Trying to jumpstart me rockin my curls like a diva :D