I want meaning in my life.

I have always admired people that cause great change in their communities. They realize that the world is more than just them and that them as a being have the capabilities and capacities of causing great change. I so wanna be that. I love it when someone who….can be out doing all types of wrong choose to do all types of right and cause other people to have the best day ever. My mom has always instilled this feeling and belief into me. I will never forget when I used to do things for the special education kids when I was in elementary school, it made them so happy. I used to go over this little girl house and read books to her and she would be smiling the whole time. I mean I never understood like specifically why they were that way I just knew I made them happy and it made me feel SOOOOO GOOOOD inside. I don’t feel that type of utility anymore and I want it back. I want to feel outta body. I want to feel like im more than a human being. I know it’s possible because I am God’s child. I don’t wanna be subject to this everyday trivial type shit people be on. Making fun of people and being manipulative. I’m above all of that. You over here tryna scheme on somebody else and das all you care about when people going through all types of shit on the verge of death and ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS HOW UGLY SOMEBODY LOOK ? REALLY????? smh. People just trip me da fck out with that.

And I meann I been going through a lot of stuff internally feeling like something is missing in my life but I feel like I been going through it the wrong way. And nobody can really counsel me in how to go about getting it if they don’t know me. It seems like whenever you discover things about yourself or things that you need in your life the good things follow and fall into place. I been on this grind tryna find someone for me and to find happiness in my life so hard that I don’t give a chance to find me. I need to find happiness for myself and then maybe all the other things will rightfully come my way. Every time I fail at what I want I like…dig a whole deeper and plung myself in it.

So ima try and not trip over not having things that I want, maybe God wanted me to be this way right now. Ima just do things that will make me feel even more whole with Leah Rose and call it a day. I no longer go to bed feeling like….I don’t love myself and God knows that is a hugggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee step with me. Maybe my journey has to be with me and no one else. The right people to be in my life will join and assist me when they recognize my truth and what I’m about….I feel better now. lol.

rambling. prolly aint makin no sense.

Why is it when we feel the most highest sometimes we feel the lowest? Is it maybe because we feel  like this new found happiness is a figment of our imagination and that we are damned to be sad forever? That’s how I feel sometimes. There’s no reason for me to be completely surrounded by people that care about me laughing and then the next minute crying. I understand and I know I am probably one of the most emotionally deep people [persons] hell idk, on this earth and its hard to know me but I wish people would try. I am a damn good person. and it sucks because I feel like Im not gonna succeed in life being me. Nice people get fckn ate up in this world but I cant help if being nice is who I am, I cant stop being me. Yeah, I would defend myself and be angry and mean to someone if they was being rude to me or disrespectful but that’s all in the protection of me. Don’t disrespect me and I am nice all the time. SIGH. There is rarely a person like me in this world and it makes me sad bc I want someone to be nice to me like I am to people but I never can find it, I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PUNK FOR WRITING THIS BUT WHAT THE HELL. NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT FEELINGS ANYMORE IN PERSON ANYWAYS. smh. I don’t even know. like I was just CONTENT. now im like…buggin out. I have never felt so confident in myself yet so far from myself THAT DON’T MAKE NO SENSE. UGH. but it’s trueee.

I wish someone could help me make sense of myself. I don’t wanna sit here and mess up my life tryna do the right thing making all the wrong decisions. maybe this is me being ate up by the world or somethin idk. but I don’t wanna be. People should help out the nice people in the world and not use them because once u use up all the nice people all its gon be IS EVIL ASS MEAN PEOPLE. hmph. im done.

my emotions are all fckd up dude..

I don’t even know how to like decipher them no more.